Zero-Sum Games

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Have you ever heard of zero-sum games? How about non-zero sum games? For those of you who have not heard of zero-sum games, allow me to briefly explain and share some links. It comes from political and economic theory, and it means if wins are plusses and losses are negatives, the equation will end up with zero. Think about money. We start with zero, Alfred borrows 10 so he can buy widgets from Zeno. Alfred gives Zeno the 10. Alfred has -10 and Zeno has +10, and the system has zero sum.

While there are lots of games we play that actually add up numbers, such as football, in the end one team has more points than the other and is therefore the winner. What matters is not how many points but the difference between them and who has more. This zero-sum game mentality shows up in our behaviors toward each other. Do we act as if my having something means you can’t have it? It puts us in a competition mind frame, and we behave like opponents.

What if there are non-zero sum games? Can we, as humans, transcend the competition mindset and behave cooperatively? What if there are games where helping you do well helps me do well? Sure, there are lots of places we interact where this is appropriate! I have always been surprised that business plans have competition analysis and yet don’t adequately describe the cooperation network the organization will be embedded in.

The real question I want to address here, now that we know a bit about zero-sum and non-zero sum games: how do we work in non-zero sum ways when people we need to work with operate from a zero-sum mind frame?

First and foremost, trying to change others through argument or explanation often just makes them defensive and resistant. I suggest a two-prong approach.

  1. Use their zero-sum mentality to your advantage – and the advantage of the group. Ask where the zero-sum games are – because they exist, and point these zero-sum minded folks to those opportunities.
  2. Demonstrate success of non-zero sum approach. Model what you want to see in the world. Be the change you seek. Through demonstration, others can see the success that comes from it. What they are truly after is success.

That sounds all well and good in an abstract theoretical way. But the situation at hand is not an ideal – it is a specific. And likely in that specific, you, my non-zero sum friends, are on a board of an organization having to navigate decisions about the organization with a zero-sum thinking collaborator, for example. What do you do?

30 Love (explored)
Creative Commons License photo credit: Evil Erin

First I want to talk about body work. So much of what we communicate happens in the body rather than through our words. Avoid sitting across from people who want to act oppositionally. Sit beside them. When they talk about a problem, be sure they gesture toward a shared space in front of them rather than at you. Imagine that they are playing dodgeball as if they were one of those tennis ball launching machines – stay away from the physical space they are launching at with their gestures.

Second, I want to talk about a model of understanding interpersonal dynamics. I use this model often when talking about relationships between people.WeDiagram The diagram, at right, shows two people, A and B, as well as a third node – the WE of A and B. Zero-sum thinkers usually think of their connection as the gray line from you to them. Helping them think beyond zero-sum involves helping them understand the WE connection. When we are in the AB relationship, we still use words like: I, me, mine, you, yours. When we are in the WE of AB, we talk about: we, our, ours. These pronouns point to what we have together in the relationship. demonstrate WE language. Start with you and the zero-sum person. As the language becomes reflected in their statements, you can begin to expand the WE to include others. Keep expanding until you reach we as a community (or what level you need to be at for the group objectives).

Next I want to share a bit about facilitation questions. Our zero-sum thinkers say they want to do something. Ask, “what will that get for you/us?” When they give an answer, ask again, “What will that get for you/us?” First, this helps them feel heard. They have the attention. Be sure to ask in a kind and inquisitive way, because they will quickly intuit if you are asking in order to undermine them. Remember, they think in competitive ways. When you get to a gem – something that is common ground for the collective – in the answer you get from the “what will that get for you/us” THEN ask, “how else might we be able to get that?” Bring in others to help answer that.

This is a brief introduction to ways to navigate zero-sum thinking. We can continue to explore, especially with specific stories. If you have specific needs you want to discuss, we can discuss your issues in a private context via my coaching services.

I would love to hear ways you have navigated zero-sum thinkers in the comments or on twitter (@nurturegirl).

Transformation Kit

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Recently I got a late evening call from a good friend. A crisis had emerged. In 5 minutes I packed and headed over. Well, I brought beer, because this friend and I often met for beer and conversation. And I also brought chocolate. A girl knows in times of change, a good bar of high quality organic dark chocolate is a necessity – both for the incredible yumminess of it as well as the chemicals they say it triggers in the brain. I brought nuts. Several kinds. I didn’t know how long our conversation would last. Protein is important. I wanted an easy snack that could act as a supplement or get one over a skipped meal. You get the point – it was a 5 minute grab bag of essentials.

Nurturing is most critical and visibly necessary at moments when our lives take a drastic turn quickly. In truth we can use nurturing all the time. Personally, as someone willing to ride the edge, I have fallen off the edge more than once. I have my little patterns now for recovery, as many of us do. Some of the patterns are about giving into the darkness and despair enough to feel it thoroughly. Some of the patterns have emerged from successful tools I have used for recovering. So, I am thinking about developing something of a Transformation Crisis Nurture Girl Kit.

To nourish the body

  • list of items to have on hand and what each is for
  • list of stretches and other body care ideas and how they help

To nourish the heart

  • activities and exercises to tap into love
  • resources on the heart, love, and friendship

To nourish the mind

  • inquiries and challenges for thinking about situations differently
  • quick reference guide to non-violent communication process

To care for the spirit

  • list of inspirational quotes – the wisdom of those who have passed this threshold before
  • ways to clear space for spiritual reflection

Creative Commons License photo credit: S?ndy

Suffering in transition is a sign of our care and attachment. Having tools at hand for mediating our experience and challenging ourselves to grow and evolve can be invaluable.

What would you want to have in your Crisis Kit? And what do you do – and how are you being – when you or a loved one experience radical transitions?

The Power of Coaching

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Five years after going through coach training, I am reflecting on how much it has impacted my life. I mean not just in terms of clients I have worked with, but in terms of how it has impacted what I have done. I was explaining to my coach today how it has grounded me.

During times of transition, I used to feel like there was a freefall into an abyss. What I thought was true shifted and my hooks on the world melted away. I would lose my place. I always managed to land on my feet and make something of my transitions. However, the chaos rippled through many spheres in my world. I am, once again, in a space of transition. There has been a limbo state for a few years, working on projects, working on self, working on my spirituality, working through my divorce. And oddly, despite all the upheavel in the last few months and the shift I sense is coming, I feel grounded. I might, at times, lay down on the foundation floor instead of standing proudly on it, but there is no abyss I am falling through.

Jeanside1

Coaching gave me the tools to look around – where am I at right now? What can I learn from the past to get closer to where I want to be? What do I most want? How do I prioritize what I want? Knowing the gap between where I am and where I want to be, what do I want to do to bridge that gap? When will I do that? And how will I know I am making progress? These are often big questions. And they don’t get answered in a day or a week. They evolve. And while they evolve, coaching offers tools for managing my headspace and heartspace in the process.

How do I not take things personally? How do I navigate conflicts? How do I leave behind beliefs about the world and relationships that are not working for me? Coaching gives me these tools. My particular coach training also relied heavily on Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). They work incredibly well together. Coaching is aspirational – dream bigger dreams, believe in yourself and others as whole, creative, and resourceful. NLP is a set of best practices on how the brain works. Or how the brain and the body actually work. It doesn’t aim to have an overarching theory of psychology, instead it assumes that what one person can do, another can do. The trick is being able to perceive how. Its practices can range from body and eye movements to strong visualization tactics. Together, coaching and NLP reinforce each other’s strengths.

Coaching has given me answers to the questions I pose above. And the question I haven’t addressed is what that means for me. What did I do or achieve because of this work? There are many things that are too personal to share, and I will give a short list of some I can share:

  • came to terms with a failing marriage and successfully ended it while maintaining a solid relationship to support my children’s well being.
  • created and evolved my own business. I work on my terms with clients I admire, striving not for high returns but for deep alignment.
  • have regular, solid and sacred time with my children and family.
  • repeatedly decided to attend events (such as SoCap) or achieve milestones and developed creative ways of making them happen.
  • developed an international network of support and care, making me more resilient and more open to possibilities.
  • learned to listen deeply and proactively to others, which is a gift in itself.
  • set and achieved audacious personal and business goals in terms of what I did/do, who I am with, and what benefits I receive.
  • healed enough to love fully, openly, compassionately, and resiliently. Able to communicate effectively across any range of emotion.

I still have lots of room for improvement.

I have always been courageous – committing myself to a vision and willfully making it real no matter how uncharted the territory. So that isn’t new or about coaching. And I have always been committed to approaching life as a journey to grow through and experience deeply. Coaching and NLP gave me a toolset for acting upon my core self and in ways that I want to show up in the world. And I am deeply and profoundly grateful.

Huge thanks to my coach and dear friend Jill Palermo and to my trainers specifically Tim Hallbom and Jan Elfline. And very hearty thanks to Drake Zimmerman and Dan Rose for encouraging me on the path.

Social Entrepreneurs on Social Media

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I saw this in my twitter stream today:

RT @zyOzyfounder: Cool way to follow 182 social entrepreneurs on Twitter http://is.gd/4hQrB via @montero

And I admire and follow tons of people on this list. However, it claims on that link to be comprehensive. And I am quite sure that there are more social entrepreneurs on twitter than that. Now, it may depend on how you define social entrepreneur. Are you thinking bottom of the pyramid business? Are you thinking poverty allieviation? Are you considering only organizations or individuals who have revenue streams? Are you thinking just of innovations (focused on the entrepreneur portion of it)? Do you want to include people who are passing around information about social entrepreneurship, even if they are not themselves the entrepreneur? Or do you just want those making the impact on our social spheres? I included in my additions (see below) people who are in my twitter stream that I think of as “in the realm of” social entrpreneurship. They would show up somewhere on my social entrepreneur network map. Maybe they serve the sector, maybe they add to the conversation, maybe they are emergent, maybe they are bridging between social entrepreneurship and green issues. I did try to steer away from theorists who are innovating tools and tech for social entrepreneurs – that is a whole other list.

I didn’t get everyone I follow that didn’t make the 182 listed. I included some I didn’t think should be missed. Who else would you add?

I recommended:

  • rmchase – founder of zipcar
  • IdentityWoman – innovating in identity and around women’s issues
  • indabamf – innovating on philanthropy
  • Silona – innovating in government tools and civic community
  • sbraiden – engaged in socent conversations for 5+ years (Omidyar.net-ian)
  • 18percentgrey – creating online space for social good
  • byrnegreen – green MBA, start-up socent
  • gbolles – biz partner to Kevin Doyle Jones
  • amoration – socent in gaming space
  • neddotcom – ned.com, nedspace, nedwater – socent leader on omidyar.net community
  • ChristinasWorld – ashoka fellow, life in africa, social media socent on collaboration
  • nuance_intel – collaborative space/incubator for socent
  • DorotheeRoyal – organicnation.tv
  • davidhodgson – greenmba, ideahive
  • justinmassa – movesmart.org
  • weaddup – green identity and action innovative small biz
  • appropedia – open source shared tech

Making Bold Leaps

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Very rarely in life do we encounter clear decisions points – two roads diverge. The majority of our decisions are slow arcs following trajectories we have set for ourselves. How, when we have the opportunity to make a marked shift – a bold leap, do we muster the determination to do it?

Extreme leaps of Parkour

Extreme leaps of Parkour

From experience with others and myself, I offer you one possibility:

Be clear about the benefits and consequences of both or all choices. When the choice you want is clear, image the future that this choice brings – what do you imagine it smells and looks like to be in that future?

Place yourself into the future, taking in through your five senses, the experience of it. How does it feel in your body? Did you shoulders settle? Did you shift into a more desirable state? Higher energy? Less tension? Experience it. Then, imagine accepting the consequences as worth the opportunity. Does it still feel vivid and viable?

Look back at where you are now and see the path emerging from that time of decision to the time of experiencing the rewards of the decision. Know that it is possible. And that, if it matters to you, a path will form.

Come back to the present moment of decision. Feel the imagined future pulling you toward it. You stand on the precipice of your future. Fall into it. Get a running start with small steps, if that helps,…and then let the gravity of the future vision pull you towards it. leap into your new path. A leap is part jump and part fall. Once you jump, the falling it effortless.

How have you made bold leaps? What have you learned about yourself? What bold leap will you take next?

Zooming

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Ah, the wonderful art of zooming. Magical, really. Do you find yourself incredibly flustered? Even angry? Find some detail so engrossing you lose track of your objectives? Of all the skills on managing the mind that I have learned and developed for myself, this one may be the most powerful.

Enough sales pitch – try it.

Let’s imagine that there is a distance between you and what you are focusing on. That distance has two factors – how emotionally engaged you are and how much of your view it consumes. These factors are highly correlated. When we are upset or flustered, we are using a microscope to look in at an issue…we don’t see much context to it, and we may even be so zoomed in that we can’t see the whole thing, but only a portion of it. No wonder we can’t wrap our heads and energy around it to take effective action! We zoom in and our heart and emotion gets tangled up in our perception – we are emotional around what is huge and vibrant to us.

I hereby empower you to use an adjustable zooming tool. Take it with you where ever you go. So lightweight you can take it anywhere. Alright, I am being silly…but really, you can manage your interaction with the world and with others by adjusting how close or how far away you want something to be in your perception.

microscope mylifeLet me give you an example: Terry is looking over finances and sees how the income and expenses are converging (and maybe that credit card statement shows a distinctly negative balance). Terry gets frustrated. The inner dialog sounds something like, “I am trying so hard, and yet I am falling behind on my plans. I am never going to be able to afford my dreams at this rate. What am I doing wrong?” and maybe Terry has a wide enough lens to see what friends appear to have, and the inner dialog continues, “Sam seems to get by on a similar salary and have better things…where did I mess up?” And most of us like to play a blame game, so add in for good measure, “If my boss would just acknowledge how hard I work, I would get that raise. Then this wouldn’t be a problem.” This sort of conversation happens in people whose income is far beyond the poverty level. Really.

Yeah, so that last statement was part of zooming. What sort of view can be included in the perspective that hits a reset button? Zoom out, and see some context. Take a flight up to 30,000 feet and view where you stand in relation to the rest of humanity (are you living on $2 a day?) and then farther out through time….throughout human history… If that doesn’t help you see how incredibly lucky you are to be where you are with this tiny issue around cash flow, then zoom farther out in the vast reaches of space – the mere fact that you even exist on this tiny planet just the right distance from the sun with just the right ingredients for life…and a strange twist of arching fate led to human evolution and here you are. A gazillion of miracles converging to make it possible for you to be here right now.

You don’t always have to back that far up. You are the author of your own stories. What is the context you want that story to be in? Zoom in or out to choose a story that works for you. Choose what you include in your field of vision and perception.

Zoom! Zoom!

Warning: zooming does not absolve you of responsibilities, it simply mitigates your attachment. Thus you can be clearer about prioritizing and taking action on your responsibilities and opportunities.

Wagn Endorsn

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I wrote this silly little explanation of wagn as a fun way to learn about it. While I am no Dr. Seuss, I was inspired by it. You can learn more about wagn by reading what the ReadWriteWeb has to say about it.

In Eugene, a couple geeks started building tools for a thrivable world. As a starter,
they thought they were building tools to make shopping with your values smarter.
They built Alonovo and the protoype for Make Me Sustainable
while crafting away at their own tool, wagn, when they were able.
They needed a space that could be edited, like a wiki,
by a community of folks in a space that was sticky.
But something that could work like a spreadsheet,
organizing information so searching would be a treat.
(Templates came in handy too, however, it was no small feat.)

Oregon’s biggest family foundation, Meyer Memorial Trust,
cried, “We need a knowledge management tool, we must!
Our knowledge, it seems to flow right out the door,
and we touch so many who know so much more.”
Now, Connectipedia.org is the biggest wagn to soar!

I saw “cards within cards” (for cards are smaller units than pages).
“Oh my! This could be used in so many ways – for writing in stages”
The process of reshuffling information becomes so slick,
Rearrange the outline! Click! We can be done in a lick!
And those business docs that are modular, with a chunk
being re-used in different combinations, ker-plunk!

This tools handles it in a snap!
But there was MORE! (Clap)

For 3 years I wandered Omidyar.net, a platform based on Plone.
It had blogs, and wikis, and profiles too. (Did I hear you moan?)
Such wonderful energy and wisdom was there!
It was filled with people bursting with care.
But nobody hardly ever, I dare say never, (tho it wasn’t that tricky)
took the gems from the blogs and moved them to the wiki.
(the highest value of a wiki, I think, is how it refines)
but no, all these conversations floating in timelines,
And no output, no coherent product, just blog vines.

Wagn answered – make the wiki a blog, make the blog a wiki!
You just add a comment box at the end. It wasn’t all that tricky.
Add all the comments (only if you give them permissions)
Like a wiki, the history keeps track of all the revisions.
I know it can do it, if we just give it a try.
Wagn is super fly! Do you know why?
Because it is the little things that stop us in a rut:
the copy, click; paste, save with no tracking of who said what.

I know, it still isn’t pretty,
(and I am not that witty)
Rest assured, you can bet,
I haven’t touched the css yet!
And there are pieces in the works today
that will help with making it easier to play.
I have seen gizmos and gadgets,
even had my hand in the making of wadgets.
But this wagn’s got ’em beat,
because what it does is simply so neat.

Catalytic Philanthropy

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I am so deeply offended, I felt compelled to write, and now share with you. The following is my reply to Catalytic Philanthropy, an article in the Standford Innovation Review by Mark Kramer. It is subtitled: “Despite spending vast amounts of money and helping to create the world’s largest nonprofit sector, philanthropists have fallen far short of solving America’s most pressing problems. What the nation needs is “catalytic philanthropy”—a new approach that is already being practiced by some of the most innovative donors”

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I must agree with Ryan [in the comments]. The arrogance and condescension in this article is disgraceful. Articles such as What is a Donor To Do? www.tpi.org/downloads/pdfs/research-whats_donor_to_do.pdf [pdf] have a much more respectful approach to addressing the evolution of donors from checkbook philanthropy to transformational giving. Furthermore, playing a blame game with the subtitle, as if it is ills that business and government have failed to address should be solved by philanthropy (when they weren’t solved by business or government). The last thing we need to do is blame the generous souls who go beyond their peers with their compassion by offering their resources. If anything we should point the finger at the business sector for externalizing costs at the expense of their workers, their consumers, and the communities they touch with usual flagrant disregard for the systems in which they operate. Granted personhood and yet acting all too often with little compassion, respect, or even citizenship, the business sector as a whole could take a few lessons from Mr. Kramer, if we adjust a bit of the language. But finger pointing is not going to move us into the world we want.

I suggest a good read and then digestion of Claire Gaudiani’s book, Greater Good: How Philanthropy the American Economy and Can Save Capitalism (http://books.google.com/books?id=s2Bu-k4GvscC&dq=greater+good&printsec=frontcover&source=bll&ots=6m8IrKm6ku&sig=Hj8wm0_cU9M84pBM-pOWgeKQcgw&hl=en&ei=4dGVSrPcKNCTlAfY36mbDA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=11#v=onepage&q=&f=false)

I am an advocate of social entrepreneurship and a fan of blended models of business and social benefit. I believe it is more that these address gaps in our tool belt. I agree that we need to collaborate more, and innovate ever more effective ways of addressing the issues we face – individually and collectively. I have doubts that nonprofits are eager for donors to take leadership role in guiding their programs as a learning ground for trying new tactics. Wise philanthropists know how to honor the wisdom and resources of a nonprofit while leveraging the impact of their own dollars.

Finally, I have to question the issue of audience this article addresses, for if it hopes to lure in donors and potential donors into an evolved model of philanthropy, it might be best not to insult the form of philanthropy they have been practicing. If however, it seeks an audience of non-philanthropic individuals driven by the business-approach can solve the world mentality…well then, write on. (although business collaboration networks in competitive markets….mmm…yeah, where are those?)

To be clear, I appreciate the success stories here…and I don’t dispute them. Nor do I dispute the need for evolving philanthropy. In fact, I am an avid supporter of evolving philanthropy. What I take issue with here is the style, tone, and framing.

Thrivable Living: Edge-Riding

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How do you lead a thrivable life? Let’s begin by looking at edge-riding.

One of my colleagues asked me once, why do you insist on riding the edge? To be honest, I think there are lots of ways I am not pushing the edge. And some ways that what I do might be pushing some cultural edge, but it isn’t an edge for me. For example, the father of my kids has them the majority of the time. We have been doing it this way for five years (and three of those years we have been separated.) Our kids don’t seem to think this is strange. It is how we are. I don’t wake up in the morning debating about it. It is what it is, and for the most part seems to work for us. Creating Thrivable.org, on the other hand, feels like edge-riding to me.

Wisdom from the darkness
I do sense that there is something about living a thrivable life that has to do with riding the edge. When I talk with people who have faced their own death – whether through an accident that they have willed themselves to come back from or the threat of cancer, the death of a loved one near to them, or just a serious wake up call, I hear a craving for the edge. Sometimes it grows slowly, and often times it comes in the blink of an eye. This life is short and precious. As Mary Oliver’s poem goes, “What are you going to do with this one wild and precious life?” Well, I am not going to spend it sitting down and passively letting the world go by me. And when I talk with people who have suffered tremendous loss – of wealth or love, passion project or dream, I hear there too a certain resilience that allows for riding the edge. An “I know how dark the darkness is, and I learned to survive that, and I can survive what comes next” attitude emerges in the ones I admire. Whether having faced death or failure, questions emerge that can bring one to strive for edge-riding:

What is the worst that can happen? Can I survive that?
If I don’t do anything or don’t choose this course, will I regret it later? In 5 years? 20?
Can I look in the mirror with integrity and love myself?

But what will my friends think of me?

Most of us ask this question when we ponder something on our edge. We look to them to externalize our sense of ourselves and the norms of our tribes. However, the answer does not rest with them, it rests in our own hearts. You are the only person you have to live with for the rest of your life. The only one. Not your significant other(s), not your family, not your work circle or faith circle. You. When you are 80, and the grandchildren and great-grandchildren of your family play at your feet, will you look in the mirror and say, “I lived a thrivable life – living in dynamic balance with myself and the world around me?” No one else is having to look in that mirror with you.

If you can’t look into the mirror today and love yourself, then you won’t likely be able to do it when you are 80 unless something changes. You are the only one responsible for that change. That is the integrity test – looking in the mirror and knowing that you have integrity – with your nature, your dreams, and your inner most self. Being able to do that, well, I think it is worth riding the edge for. If you really want to honor your nature…really want to achieve your dreams…really want to connect to your innermost self, then find your edges and ride a few until you evolve in the person that feels a glorious tingle when you look in the mirror and discover – “cool, I actually admire the person facing me.”

Fund Thrivable.org kick-off

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After three years of exploration and network building, writing and discussion, planning and processing, Thrivable.org is just about ready for kick-off. We will have a soft launch to our friends and collaborators this month (August) and will run a pilot for three to six months.

While I have self-funded the development until this point, the work is for the commons. And if it is to be our shared organization and movement, then it must expand beyond my effort and my funds. We own this work together.

Are you willing to make a commitment to becoming thrivable? Buy me a virtual cup of coffee to keep me alert on this effort.

Have you already felt the effects of my work and the emergence of thrivable? Pay it forward for others.

My sincere gratitude for your faith in this emerging idea and project. Thank you for your commitment to a better world for all.