Have you ever heard of zero-sum games? How about non-zero sum games? For those of you who have not heard of zero-sum games, allow me to briefly explain and share some links. It comes from political and economic theory, and it means if wins are plusses and losses are negatives, the equation will end up with zero. Think about money. We start with zero, Alfred borrows 10 so he can buy widgets from Zeno. Alfred gives Zeno the 10. Alfred has -10 and Zeno has +10, and the system has zero sum.
While there are lots of games we play that actually add up numbers, such as football, in the end one team has more points than the other and is therefore the winner. What matters is not how many points but the difference between them and who has more. This zero-sum game mentality shows up in our behaviors toward each other. Do we act as if my having something means you can’t have it? It puts us in a competition mind frame, and we behave like opponents.
What if there are non-zero sum games? Can we, as humans, transcend the competition mindset and behave cooperatively? What if there are games where helping you do well helps me do well? Sure, there are lots of places we interact where this is appropriate! I have always been surprised that business plans have competition analysis and yet don’t adequately describe the cooperation network the organization will be embedded in.
The real question I want to address here, now that we know a bit about zero-sum and non-zero sum games: how do we work in non-zero sum ways when people we need to work with operate from a zero-sum mind frame?
First and foremost, trying to change others through argument or explanation often just makes them defensive and resistant. I suggest a two-prong approach.
- Use their zero-sum mentality to your advantage – and the advantage of the group. Ask where the zero-sum games are – because they exist, and point these zero-sum minded folks to those opportunities.
- Demonstrate success of non-zero sum approach. Model what you want to see in the world. Be the change you seek. Through demonstration, others can see the success that comes from it. What they are truly after is success.
That sounds all well and good in an abstract theoretical way. But the situation at hand is not an ideal – it is a specific. And likely in that specific, you, my non-zero sum friends, are on a board of an organization having to navigate decisions about the organization with a zero-sum thinking collaborator, for example. What do you do?
First I want to talk about body work. So much of what we communicate happens in the body rather than through our words. Avoid sitting across from people who want to act oppositionally. Sit beside them. When they talk about a problem, be sure they gesture toward a shared space in front of them rather than at you. Imagine that they are playing dodgeball as if they were one of those tennis ball launching machines – stay away from the physical space they are launching at with their gestures.
Second, I want to talk about a model of understanding interpersonal dynamics. I use this model often when talking about relationships between people.
The diagram, at right, shows two people, A and B, as well as a third node – the WE of A and B. Zero-sum thinkers usually think of their connection as the gray line from you to them. Helping them think beyond zero-sum involves helping them understand the WE connection. When we are in the AB relationship, we still use words like: I, me, mine, you, yours. When we are in the WE of AB, we talk about: we, our, ours. These pronouns point to what we have together in the relationship. demonstrate WE language. Start with you and the zero-sum person. As the language becomes reflected in their statements, you can begin to expand the WE to include others. Keep expanding until you reach we as a community (or what level you need to be at for the group objectives).
Next I want to share a bit about facilitation questions. Our zero-sum thinkers say they want to do something. Ask, “what will that get for you/us?” When they give an answer, ask again, “What will that get for you/us?” First, this helps them feel heard. They have the attention. Be sure to ask in a kind and inquisitive way, because they will quickly intuit if you are asking in order to undermine them. Remember, they think in competitive ways. When you get to a gem – something that is common ground for the collective – in the answer you get from the “what will that get for you/us” THEN ask, “how else might we be able to get that?” Bring in others to help answer that.
This is a brief introduction to ways to navigate zero-sum thinking. We can continue to explore, especially with specific stories. If you have specific needs you want to discuss, we can discuss your issues in a private context via my coaching services.
I would love to hear ways you have navigated zero-sum thinkers in the comments or on twitter (@nurturegirl).
Solution-Focus
by ThriverHow much time do you spend in each of the following states?
Many of us get fascinated by the first state. Point to all the facets of what is not working. And there is a way that is valuable, as we design new ways of working that address and transform those issues. We need to know what we are looking at.
And, we can get lost in seeing challenges. Stuck in a state of awe and overwhelm. When do you pick up a lever and start creating something in response to the challenges you perceive? What stops you from doing more of that? Who can you ask to help you get started?
I admire those go-getters that not only fix or improve something but also totally trick it out. My mom didn’t just make me a prom dress, she used the scraps to make a cape, a purse, and a garter (all while I was doing my hair). No, I am not posting pictures. 😛
Avoid the overwhelm of what isn’t working. Focus on a solution you can dig into. And see what you can do to trick it out and make use of what you have.
I would love to hear your stories about making more of your resources and the power of solution-focus. Please share with us.
Gratitude and TweetsGiving 09
by ThriverGratitude
I remember being teased lovingly for my gratitude and thanking habits when I was a teen, and I am still at it. Why? Gratitude is such a powerful force in creating happiness and joy – both in the giver and the receiver. This isn’t just my experience. Research has tied gratitude to happiness, combating depression, greater creativity, and greater overall success. Gratitude can show up in many ways: keep gratitude journal, remember to thank others for kindness, acknowledging privilege of place/time/birth, documenting appreciation of others, give back (volunteer) or pay it forward (donate) and many more. I regularly use the #gratitude tag on twitter and post my appreciation of others. Not only is this about being positive, it also creates a feedback loop so those I thank might feel encouraged to do more of what I admire about them. Let me expand on my gratitude in specifics here.
My Gratitude
It is a daunting task to express gratitude here today. I am usually flowing with it, and I wish I had the space here to say everything I am grateful for. Today, wanting to be more comprehensive, I fear I will forget many important people and experiences I am profoundly grateful for. However, to be exhaustive may take the rest of my life. So consider this a small excerpt.
To share gratitude this year, I am partnering with several others on TweetsGiving! Come appreciate life with me!
Share your gratitude via Tweetsgiving
TweetsGiving is a global celebration of gratitude benefiting US nonprofit Epic Change and supporting Shepherds Junior, a primary school in Arusha, Tanzania. TweetsGiving gratitude parties are now scheduled in over 30 cities from Canberra, Australia to Tel Aviv, Israel to New York City. We hope you’ll join our global gratitude celebration! Together, our gratitude has the power to change the world.
Go to tweetsgiving.org or join me at http://thrivable.wagn.org/wagn/Tweetsgiving for opportunities to share your gratitude on a google map or on our wagn. Thank you!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
This post was created as part of a global groundswell of gratitude called TweetsGiving. The celebration, created by US nonprofit Epic Change, is an experiment in social innovation that seeks to change the world through the power of gratitude. I hope you’ll visit the TweetsGiving site to learn more, and to bring your grateful heart to the party by sharing your gratitude, and giving in honor of that for which you’re most thankful.
Zero-Sum Games
by ThriverHave you ever heard of zero-sum games? How about non-zero sum games? For those of you who have not heard of zero-sum games, allow me to briefly explain and share some links. It comes from political and economic theory, and it means if wins are plusses and losses are negatives, the equation will end up with zero. Think about money. We start with zero, Alfred borrows 10 so he can buy widgets from Zeno. Alfred gives Zeno the 10. Alfred has -10 and Zeno has +10, and the system has zero sum.
While there are lots of games we play that actually add up numbers, such as football, in the end one team has more points than the other and is therefore the winner. What matters is not how many points but the difference between them and who has more. This zero-sum game mentality shows up in our behaviors toward each other. Do we act as if my having something means you can’t have it? It puts us in a competition mind frame, and we behave like opponents.
What if there are non-zero sum games? Can we, as humans, transcend the competition mindset and behave cooperatively? What if there are games where helping you do well helps me do well? Sure, there are lots of places we interact where this is appropriate! I have always been surprised that business plans have competition analysis and yet don’t adequately describe the cooperation network the organization will be embedded in.
The real question I want to address here, now that we know a bit about zero-sum and non-zero sum games: how do we work in non-zero sum ways when people we need to work with operate from a zero-sum mind frame?
First and foremost, trying to change others through argument or explanation often just makes them defensive and resistant. I suggest a two-prong approach.
That sounds all well and good in an abstract theoretical way. But the situation at hand is not an ideal – it is a specific. And likely in that specific, you, my non-zero sum friends, are on a board of an organization having to navigate decisions about the organization with a zero-sum thinking collaborator, for example. What do you do?
First I want to talk about body work. So much of what we communicate happens in the body rather than through our words. Avoid sitting across from people who want to act oppositionally. Sit beside them. When they talk about a problem, be sure they gesture toward a shared space in front of them rather than at you. Imagine that they are playing dodgeball as if they were one of those tennis ball launching machines – stay away from the physical space they are launching at with their gestures.
Second, I want to talk about a model of understanding interpersonal dynamics. I use this model often when talking about relationships between people.
The diagram, at right, shows two people, A and B, as well as a third node – the WE of A and B. Zero-sum thinkers usually think of their connection as the gray line from you to them. Helping them think beyond zero-sum involves helping them understand the WE connection. When we are in the AB relationship, we still use words like: I, me, mine, you, yours. When we are in the WE of AB, we talk about: we, our, ours. These pronouns point to what we have together in the relationship. demonstrate WE language. Start with you and the zero-sum person. As the language becomes reflected in their statements, you can begin to expand the WE to include others. Keep expanding until you reach we as a community (or what level you need to be at for the group objectives).
Next I want to share a bit about facilitation questions. Our zero-sum thinkers say they want to do something. Ask, “what will that get for you/us?” When they give an answer, ask again, “What will that get for you/us?” First, this helps them feel heard. They have the attention. Be sure to ask in a kind and inquisitive way, because they will quickly intuit if you are asking in order to undermine them. Remember, they think in competitive ways. When you get to a gem – something that is common ground for the collective – in the answer you get from the “what will that get for you/us” THEN ask, “how else might we be able to get that?” Bring in others to help answer that.
This is a brief introduction to ways to navigate zero-sum thinking. We can continue to explore, especially with specific stories. If you have specific needs you want to discuss, we can discuss your issues in a private context via my coaching services.
I would love to hear ways you have navigated zero-sum thinkers in the comments or on twitter (@nurturegirl).
Transformation Kit
by ThriverNurturing is most critical and visibly necessary at moments when our lives take a drastic turn quickly. In truth we can use nurturing all the time. Personally, as someone willing to ride the edge, I have fallen off the edge more than once. I have my little patterns now for recovery, as many of us do. Some of the patterns are about giving into the darkness and despair enough to feel it thoroughly. Some of the patterns have emerged from successful tools I have used for recovering. So, I am thinking about developing something of a Transformation Crisis Nurture Girl Kit.
To nourish the heart
To nourish the mind
To care for the spirit
Suffering in transition is a sign of our care and attachment. Having tools at hand for mediating our experience and challenging ourselves to grow and evolve can be invaluable.
What would you want to have in your Crisis Kit? And what do you do – and how are you being – when you or a loved one experience radical transitions?
The Power of Coaching
by ThriverFive years after going through coach training, I am reflecting on how much it has impacted my life. I mean not just in terms of clients I have worked with, but in terms of how it has impacted what I have done. I was explaining to my coach today how it has grounded me.
During times of transition, I used to feel like there was a freefall into an abyss. What I thought was true shifted and my hooks on the world melted away. I would lose my place. I always managed to land on my feet and make something of my transitions. However, the chaos rippled through many spheres in my world. I am, once again, in a space of transition. There has been a limbo state for a few years, working on projects, working on self, working on my spirituality, working through my divorce. And oddly, despite all the upheavel in the last few months and the shift I sense is coming, I feel grounded. I might, at times, lay down on the foundation floor instead of standing proudly on it, but there is no abyss I am falling through.
Coaching gave me the tools to look around – where am I at right now? What can I learn from the past to get closer to where I want to be? What do I most want? How do I prioritize what I want? Knowing the gap between where I am and where I want to be, what do I want to do to bridge that gap? When will I do that? And how will I know I am making progress? These are often big questions. And they don’t get answered in a day or a week. They evolve. And while they evolve, coaching offers tools for managing my headspace and heartspace in the process.
How do I not take things personally? How do I navigate conflicts? How do I leave behind beliefs about the world and relationships that are not working for me? Coaching gives me these tools. My particular coach training also relied heavily on Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). They work incredibly well together. Coaching is aspirational – dream bigger dreams, believe in yourself and others as whole, creative, and resourceful. NLP is a set of best practices on how the brain works. Or how the brain and the body actually work. It doesn’t aim to have an overarching theory of psychology, instead it assumes that what one person can do, another can do. The trick is being able to perceive how. Its practices can range from body and eye movements to strong visualization tactics. Together, coaching and NLP reinforce each other’s strengths.
Coaching has given me answers to the questions I pose above. And the question I haven’t addressed is what that means for me. What did I do or achieve because of this work? There are many things that are too personal to share, and I will give a short list of some I can share:
I still have lots of room for improvement.
I have always been courageous – committing myself to a vision and willfully making it real no matter how uncharted the territory. So that isn’t new or about coaching. And I have always been committed to approaching life as a journey to grow through and experience deeply. Coaching and NLP gave me a toolset for acting upon my core self and in ways that I want to show up in the world. And I am deeply and profoundly grateful.
Huge thanks to my coach and dear friend Jill Palermo and to my trainers specifically Tim Hallbom and Jan Elfline. And very hearty thanks to Drake Zimmerman and Dan Rose for encouraging me on the path.
Social Entrepreneurs on Social Media
by ThriverI saw this in my twitter stream today:
And I admire and follow tons of people on this list. However, it claims on that link to be comprehensive. And I am quite sure that there are more social entrepreneurs on twitter than that. Now, it may depend on how you define social entrepreneur. Are you thinking bottom of the pyramid business? Are you thinking poverty allieviation? Are you considering only organizations or individuals who have revenue streams? Are you thinking just of innovations (focused on the entrepreneur portion of it)? Do you want to include people who are passing around information about social entrepreneurship, even if they are not themselves the entrepreneur? Or do you just want those making the impact on our social spheres? I included in my additions (see below) people who are in my twitter stream that I think of as “in the realm of” social entrpreneurship. They would show up somewhere on my social entrepreneur network map. Maybe they serve the sector, maybe they add to the conversation, maybe they are emergent, maybe they are bridging between social entrepreneurship and green issues. I did try to steer away from theorists who are innovating tools and tech for social entrepreneurs – that is a whole other list.
I didn’t get everyone I follow that didn’t make the 182 listed. I included some I didn’t think should be missed. Who else would you add?
I recommended:
Making Bold Leaps
by ThriverVery rarely in life do we encounter clear decisions points – two roads diverge. The majority of our decisions are slow arcs following trajectories we have set for ourselves. How, when we have the opportunity to make a marked shift – a bold leap, do we muster the determination to do it?
Extreme leaps of Parkour
From experience with others and myself, I offer you one possibility:
Be clear about the benefits and consequences of both or all choices. When the choice you want is clear, image the future that this choice brings – what do you imagine it smells and looks like to be in that future?
Place yourself into the future, taking in through your five senses, the experience of it. How does it feel in your body? Did you shoulders settle? Did you shift into a more desirable state? Higher energy? Less tension? Experience it. Then, imagine accepting the consequences as worth the opportunity. Does it still feel vivid and viable?
Look back at where you are now and see the path emerging from that time of decision to the time of experiencing the rewards of the decision. Know that it is possible. And that, if it matters to you, a path will form.
Come back to the present moment of decision. Feel the imagined future pulling you toward it. You stand on the precipice of your future. Fall into it. Get a running start with small steps, if that helps,…and then let the gravity of the future vision pull you towards it. leap into your new path. A leap is part jump and part fall. Once you jump, the falling it effortless.
How have you made bold leaps? What have you learned about yourself? What bold leap will you take next?
Zooming
by ThriverAh, the wonderful art of zooming. Magical, really. Do you find yourself incredibly flustered? Even angry? Find some detail so engrossing you lose track of your objectives? Of all the skills on managing the mind that I have learned and developed for myself, this one may be the most powerful.
Enough sales pitch – try it.
Let’s imagine that there is a distance between you and what you are focusing on. That distance has two factors – how emotionally engaged you are and how much of your view it consumes. These factors are highly correlated. When we are upset or flustered, we are using a microscope to look in at an issue…we don’t see much context to it, and we may even be so zoomed in that we can’t see the whole thing, but only a portion of it. No wonder we can’t wrap our heads and energy around it to take effective action! We zoom in and our heart and emotion gets tangled up in our perception – we are emotional around what is huge and vibrant to us.
I hereby empower you to use an adjustable zooming tool. Take it with you where ever you go. So lightweight you can take it anywhere. Alright, I am being silly…but really, you can manage your interaction with the world and with others by adjusting how close or how far away you want something to be in your perception.
Yeah, so that last statement was part of zooming. What sort of view can be included in the perspective that hits a reset button? Zoom out, and see some context. Take a flight up to 30,000 feet and view where you stand in relation to the rest of humanity (are you living on $2 a day?) and then farther out through time….throughout human history… If that doesn’t help you see how incredibly lucky you are to be where you are with this tiny issue around cash flow, then zoom farther out in the vast reaches of space – the mere fact that you even exist on this tiny planet just the right distance from the sun with just the right ingredients for life…and a strange twist of arching fate led to human evolution and here you are. A gazillion of miracles converging to make it possible for you to be here right now.
You don’t always have to back that far up. You are the author of your own stories. What is the context you want that story to be in? Zoom in or out to choose a story that works for you. Choose what you include in your field of vision and perception.
Zoom! Zoom!
Warning: zooming does not absolve you of responsibilities, it simply mitigates your attachment. Thus you can be clearer about prioritizing and taking action on your responsibilities and opportunities.
Wagn Endorsn
by ThriverIn Eugene, a couple geeks started building tools for a thrivable world. As a starter,
they thought they were building tools to make shopping with your values smarter.
They built Alonovo and the protoype for Make Me Sustainable
while crafting away at their own tool, wagn, when they were able.
They needed a space that could be edited, like a wiki,
by a community of folks in a space that was sticky.
But something that could work like a spreadsheet,
organizing information so searching would be a treat.
(Templates came in handy too, however, it was no small feat.)
Oregon’s biggest family foundation, Meyer Memorial Trust,
cried, “We need a knowledge management tool, we must!
Our knowledge, it seems to flow right out the door,
and we touch so many who know so much more.”
Now, Connectipedia.org is the biggest wagn to soar!
I saw “cards within cards” (for cards are smaller units than pages).
“Oh my! This could be used in so many ways – for writing in stages”
The process of reshuffling information becomes so slick,
Rearrange the outline! Click! We can be done in a lick!
And those business docs that are modular, with a chunk
being re-used in different combinations, ker-plunk!
This tools handles it in a snap!
But there was MORE! (Clap)
For 3 years I wandered Omidyar.net, a platform based on Plone.
It had blogs, and wikis, and profiles too. (Did I hear you moan?)
Such wonderful energy and wisdom was there!
It was filled with people bursting with care.
But nobody hardly ever, I dare say never, (tho it wasn’t that tricky)
took the gems from the blogs and moved them to the wiki.
(the highest value of a wiki, I think, is how it refines)
but no, all these conversations floating in timelines,
And no output, no coherent product, just blog vines.
Wagn answered – make the wiki a blog, make the blog a wiki!
You just add a comment box at the end. It wasn’t all that tricky.
Add all the comments (only if you give them permissions)
Like a wiki, the history keeps track of all the revisions.
I know it can do it, if we just give it a try.
Wagn is super fly! Do you know why?
Because it is the little things that stop us in a rut:
the copy, click; paste, save with no tracking of who said what.
I know, it still isn’t pretty,
(and I am not that witty)
Rest assured, you can bet,
I haven’t touched the css yet!
And there are pieces in the works today
that will help with making it easier to play.
I have seen gizmos and gadgets,
even had my hand in the making of wadgets.
But this wagn’s got ’em beat,
because what it does is simply so neat.
Catalytic Philanthropy
by ThriverI am so deeply offended, I felt compelled to write, and now share with you. The following is my reply to Catalytic Philanthropy, an article in the Standford Innovation Review by Mark Kramer. It is subtitled: “Despite spending vast amounts of money and helping to create the world’s largest nonprofit sector, philanthropists have fallen far short of solving America’s most pressing problems. What the nation needs is “catalytic philanthropy”—a new approach that is already being practiced by some of the most innovative donors”