5 Ways to Save Yourself from Relationship Overwhelm

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Upside down !!
Creative Commons License photo credit: 1Happysnapper (photography)

Social Media is transformative and magnificent. It is also time consuming for most people, and it can lead to relationship overwhelm. You find so many amazing people out there who share your belief, interests, passions, and humor.

If you are trying to create more space in your life for what matters most to you, here are 5 ways you can save yourself from relationship overwhelm.

  1. Time allocation. Create office hours – during a set time, you connect to people. Maybe it is 8-9am or 4-5pm every day. Maybe it is 2 days a week. How many hours do you want to give it? Maybe you have 5 hours a week, and you track how many you use. Experiment to find the method of time management that fits you and your lifestyle. Do what works.
  2. Rings of priority – who is in the center, who is on the periphery? Make sure to give time to those people that really matter. Filter your social media feeds, so you always can see what they are up to. Be clear with yourself what your criteria are for being near that center loop of connections. The periphery is important too, as a resource for bringing in new information. Find balance for yourself. Don’t cut it off…but don’t get lost there either. What will help you hold that? Is it a container of time? A medium of communication?
  3. Make a request. Share with your network your aim to manage your relationships so you can be a better friend and contributor. Say something like,  “I cherish you and the wonderful connections I have, AND, in order to be a better friend, I want to be more careful about how I am giving attention. Can you please consider if contacting me is urgent, important, or valuable? I hope this helps us improve the quality of our connection.”
  4. Make REGULAR sacred space – no tech, all family, or even all alone time. Hold it as your recharge time. Budge anything on your calendar before you give this up. Think of it as your morning oatmeal. Without it, you can’t bring your best self to the world. I don’t mean sacred as in religious practice. I mean sacred as in – never give this up. You are too important in your life not to make time for yourself. I have done this for years, and found it really rewarding. Oh, and do communicate to your connections that you have this boundary so they can respect it. They will hold it ONLY to the degree that you take it seriously.
  5. Think in longer time frames and make daily decisions on those frames (and not the minute to minute ones). Think of what you want your life to be like over the next 5 years. What can you do today that helps you have that life? What is un-necessary, superfluous, repetitive (doing it twice or more isn’t adding value or enjoyment)? Imagine wiping your calendar completely free. No obligations. What do you want really and truly to add back in? (This often happens when you have a major crisis happen – it gives you permission to start over.)

“What are you going to do with this one wild and precious life?” ~ Mary Oliver

Open Wide

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When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was determined to have a drug free and very conscious birthing process. My son had been 10 and a half pounds. Giving birth to him in a handful of powerful pushes both tore up my body and freckled my face with broken blood vessels. I was half dazed with pain-killers, and I was certainly not fully present to the experience.la cuarta ventana

Creative Commons License photo credit: bachmont

How, I wondered, am I going to navigate this better? So I read a bunch of books – on meditation and visualization as well as birthing. One of the relevant things I learned is that we often respond to pain with fear, which makes us contract. In childbirth (and in the body in general) this means that the muscles tighten up. Which leads to more pain, which leads to more tightening… just when we need to be most open and relaxed. We go against ourselves.

I had learned, as a young horsewoman, to relax my body. To send a message to the animal that it can relax too. So I had some small sense of what this was like. For childbirth, I had to ramp that up significantly. I practiced relaxing every part of my body. I did breathing and meditation exercises. I did yoga, hoping to make my body more supple. I wasn’t one of those highly structured people that did things at set intervals, but I kept at it in my meandering but persistent way.

I succeeded. I thought of the pain as warmth, turned it in my mind into warm light. My daughter was born on this ray of light. I do not think of it as pain at all, although you might say my neurons were firing that way. I was very aware and present to it. I was grateful for the gift of her and treasuring each moment (without judgment, for what it was).

Wisdom - Seeds of LightNow I use this process in other domains of my life. When I feel fear and want to contract, I intentionally open and release. When I feel my needs are not met, rather than shutting down or closing up – or telling stories about it – I become more direct and precise in making requests or sharing my experience. Sometimes it takes a little time to turn around, but I always get there.

I get that it seems contradictory. Yet, I have to say it works so well so consistently. That doesn’t mean I don’t experience fear or contraction. I do. It just doesn’t stay around very long. Usually within hours if not minutes, I can shift to being more wide open, curious, and direct.

How do you navigate contraction in your life? How do you transform it? How did you learn how to do so?

Motherhood

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Happy Mother’s Day!

Friday I attended a little performance my daughter and her class did for the mothers. It was, of course, truly heartwarming to see my daughter perform. She loves to sing, and she emanates pride in herself. However, these songs and poems often felt odd to me. One piece talked about Mom being someone who makes cookies. Huh, when was the last time we made cookies together. Sure, we do it sometimes, but this is not what I think motherhood is about. To me motherhood is about deeply loving someone no matter what for who they are at every level in every nook of their being. My children fascinate me. I try to let go of my ideas of who they might become and allow them to be just who they are.

That is not to say that I do not try to shape and guide them. My service to them is to equip them in ways that will serve them and our society (since these things are intricately linked) over the long haul. I try to hold this as a conversation between their being or nature and the way the world appears to work to me. This has nothing to do with the sugar in cookies, right?

My job as their mother is to give them love and support as they navigate the world. As their mother, I strive to empower them with the knowledge, savvy, and joy to move with grace through a complex world.

And you may wonder why this is my approach to mothering… well, because in so many ways, this is what my mother did for me. She had a light hand in my daily activity, offered adoring love and yet held high standards, modeled grace, and she trusted me to navigate my world. Sure, at times she would intervene explaining what she could intuit from a situation. However, most of the time, she let me explore on my own: explore nature, people, myself, our library, my spirituality, and my life path. She and I see two different worlds when we look out from our hazel eyes, and I am sure my children will perceive a world I can’t know from their hazel eyes. She let me inhabit my world, and in turn I try to let my children inhabit their world and their lives fully. And may we each and all serve and co-create a world the future generations can explore too.

To my mother on this mother’s day, for her amazing elegance and grace in navigating her world and preparing me to navigate mine. She already has an abundance of flowers. This gift of care for Mama Lucy and the children she cares for feels like something that my mother will really appreciate with her huge heart. If you would like to create a heart space for an amazing and inspiring mother in your life, please visit http://www.tomamawithlove.org.