Happiness

I bet, if you read or know me, you probably expect me to advocate for happiness.

parka
Creative Commons License photo credit: Jasmic

I don’t.

Here is why.

If you came to me and said, Jean, I want more than anything to be happy. This is what I would do:

Give me everything you have. I am going to flog you.

“But, Jean!” I hear you say.

Happiness is a relative state. If you want to be happy tomorrow, then making you really miserable today can lead to that. So if tomorrow I then don’t flog you and return some of your things to you, it is likely that you will be happy! (Timelines may vary.) Do you see how incredibly messed up that can make us?

I have been bothered by the idea of happiness for a long time, but it wasn’t until I started reading Satisfaction by Gregory Berns MD PhD that I understood why. He explains how people who win the lottery don’t usually have enduring happiness. And how people who suffer traumatic loss find happiness. Happiness does not come about at some permanent threshold of having or knowing. It is by judging where we are now against where we recently have been. It is something we choose. Something we get by deciding what we want to notice about our present and what we want to compare it to in our past (or imagined future for that matter).

This resonates too with what I learned through NLP Coach training. I can shift to a state of happiness through several means – creating a different context for what I am focused on, a different perspective to view it from, or bringing to the present a state I have experienced in the past or can imagine experiencing in the future. It is all about setting the terms for the comparison.

Fulfillment, satisfaction, flow, these are terms that have more depth and meaning in them. These are more accurate descriptions, I think, for the desired state we want to achieve at a personal level.

Free Tasty Technicolor Treats Creative Commons

CC: Pink Sherbet Photography


I am not interested in living in a happy world. And I think in many ways the problems we face today are created by efforts to live in a happy world. Giving our kids candy makes them happy. Maybe playing video games all day makes some of us happy. Is that a good measure of the world we want? Does that lead the system to create a harmonious flow for individuals and our collective? I want to live in a fulfilling world of flow. Don’t you?

Wand of Gratitude

Between Jerry sending me the book “The Gift of Thanks: The Roots and Rituals of Gratitude” and David Rose saying “wand of gratitude” I have to embrace my role as a freaky gratitude fairy. And I want a wand! Not that I think some magic dust will make everything alright. It won’t. Not that I think the right snap of my wrist dancing the wand will make something transport to the world of Harry Potter. No, I want the wand because it acts as an anchor.  An object that can remind me (and others) that gratitude is part of the alchemy of connection.

Crown Give-a-way Detail II
Creative Commons License photo credit: queenie13

Maybe I will make myself one. I have the craft supplies. 🙂

When I wave this wand of gratitude I want two things to happen:

  1. the gratitude I feel towards someone will be known and felt by any who witness it
  2. the person toward whom I direct the wand will recognize the gratitude they have

Because of these two things, we will recognize the value, tangible and intangible in what we have together and individually. And recognizing that value will make it clear how very precious it is.

I wave my wand of gratitude over you.

Shift Happens

The question is “How does it happen?” And also “How can we encourage it to happen?”

Yesterday, I said on twitter:

Questions I have been pondering for years now: what brings about an aha? what gets people to shift? how to get unstuck and take action?

Which is something I have been reflecting on since my early days of working with Drake Zimmerman on coaching and philanthropy. Or maybe it comes before that…going back into my childhood when I became fascinated by the brain (thanks PBS). In any case, it all came up again earlier this month when I sat down at a cafe with Clay Shirky. We had a powerful hour of mutual brain picking. He said he had just finished writing his next book and a question he was still mulling over was how do we get people to move between these spaces he had discerned and laid out for me.

Aha’s are those bright moments where the light bulbs flash on in the brain, and we suddenly see something in a way we had not seen it before. Sometimes this happens when we have a near death experience or a cherished one is ill or dies. Maybe it is a near miss or a sudden revelation. It can come from stillness and reflection. @SusanLipshutz shares, “Sometimes awakening, clarity comes from getting shaken up via an activating event that threatens the comfort zone, opens heart~”

@butyes declares, “an aha actually IS a shift–it’s the FEELING of an insight which changes the situation–and may make action possible.” So aha’s are a form of shifting, but not the only form. Shifting can also happen through determination and persistence. We can shift our habits. We can shift our views through reasoned argument. Sometimes shift is what gets us unstuck from the place we are or the way we are.

So I asked – what gets people to shift and take action. And the response was so useful, let me share it with you here.

Pain and the Away-From

Some people pointed to what gets us to wake up and move away from something. For example, @philwoodford said, “Usually a metaphorical gun barrel pointing at someone, in my experience.” Similarly, @brainsturbator asserts, “System Shock is the Currency of Consciousness Change. Why does the roshi smack the seeker?” Perhaps even an accumulation of is necessary, as @ValdisKrebs describes, ” enough knowledge/pain/processing have to accumulate for a tipping point or a spark to lead to aha/action.” And @nicolerufuku shared that “rock bottom forces a shift.”

Personally I don’t think we give enough respect to hitting our rock bottoms. For me they have been rich places for remaking myself and give me a lot of courage to take on new challenges (as I know I can survive failure).

@OctaviaMoon suggests that it can take a variety of things, “bottoms, even highs, loves, money….spiritual awakenings.” She goes on to say that, “yoga is a beautiful thing…takes you into the body where you might be stuck and makes things less literal.”

What I was expecting to hear from others but didn’t was something about carrots. I hear the pain and sticks method can work. Do carrots work too? Can we lure people to shift and get unstuck?

The Emergent Shift

Sometimes shifting is about not looking directly at what needs to change, instead it is about letting the mind rest. I think of this as letting the unconscious resolve things by putting the conscious mind elsewhere. @gordondym replied, “For me, it’s shifting attention to something simple, and/or thinking of something completely unrelated.” @butyes speaks to the emergent shift from another angle when she says, “but the aha itself–that often comes when one becomes still on the other side of worrying at the problem. In stillness there’s room to sense a little niggling glimmering something, and sit quietly with it, until, ‘oh!'”

Conditions for Shifting

While we may not want to cultivate the negative experiences that can make us shift, and perhaps we want to be more active than allowing an emergent shift, what can we do for ourselves and others to foster shift and get unstuck?

@HollyE4S offered a series of conditions that can help shifts happen:

  • Openness to grace
  • Openness to change
  • Action begets Action. Easier to shift in something that is already in motion.
  • Connect with others who are taking action
  • Learn first steps

Which reminded me of something I think I was first exposed to from @ken_homer and comes out of world cafe – find and take “a simple elegant next step.”

Looking back on my training as a coach, it feels like so much of our training was in developing competency with tools to help people shift or get unstuck – modifying beliefs, shifting frames and seeing multiple perspectives. I will review some of those in a post just for that.

What other ways to notice shift happening? And what can we do to spark it?

Rogue Waves

I saw an article on rogue waves not too long ago. And it really inspired me visually to think about how we compound upon each other.
Wikipedia describes rogue waves:

Rogue waves (also known as freak waves, monster waves, killer waves, and extreme waves) are relatively large and spontaneous ocean surface waves that are a threat even to large ships and ocean liners.[1] In oceanography, they are more precisely defined as waves whose height is more than twice the significant wave height (SWH), which is itself defined as the mean of the largest third of waves in a wave record. Therefore rogue waves are not necessarily the biggest waves found at sea; they are, rather, surprisingly large waves for a given sea state.

We have some rogue waves amplifying trends. As Taleb says, we live ever more in a land of extremistan (Black Swan).

The Draupner wave, a single giant wave measured on New Years Day 1995, finally confirmed the existence of freak waves, which had previously been considered near-mythical (from Wikipedia)

The Draupner wave, a single giant wave measured on New Year's Day 1995, finally confirmed the existence of freak waves, which had previously been considered near-mythical (from Wikipedia)

Let me explain a bit more about Rogue Waves before saying why I appreciate the metaphor so much.

In this LiveScience article, Choi describes the formation of rogue waves:

Normally a large wave breaks up into smaller and smaller waves over time, until the viscosity of a fluid damps out these small waves. Now the scientists demonstrate the opposite can happen in fluids — tiny waves can concentrate together to become abnormally large waves “that emerge surprisingly quickly,” McClintock told LiveScience.

Tiny waves, you and me, can concentrate, resulting in an unexpected giant wave. This is more than you and I adding up. This is a shocking single large event. This is not really a tipping point, where the system reaches some threshold and changes state.

What I appreciate about this as a metaphor is the thought of the consolidation of forces. It helps us grasp at something that I feel is crashing in on us. A wave in one system is coming together with a wave in another overlapping system, compounded by another wave in another related system resulting in a freak wave. Will these waves be forces of good? Will there be waves of destruction that compound too? I think yes to both.

The wave of climate change meets the waves of peak oil and financial crisis and consumerism. Boom. The wave of awakening-to-purpose compounds with social enterprise and social entrepreneurship, microfinance, spend-down philanthropy, and healthcare innovations. These are choppy waters. How these waves will interact is anyone’s guess. Which will amplify another? Which will deflect or reduce another? Will there be smooth waters ahead? Do we return to regular waves and patterns? Do we get a rogue wave? And does that change us?

If it were not for….

HildyGottlieb

What created the today you will build your future upon? Fill in the blank: If it weren’t for __ I wouldn’t be/have ___.

This twitter post inspired me to share my gratitude.

If it were not for… my network… I would be or have nearly anything I do have and am.

I can name names here. And I have at time in public and in private shared with those people that I am clear have been instrumental in getting me where I am. When I picture answering this question, I see a rippling wave spreading out from this moment. It converges at this time and this place, but the factors and people that had to be in place and in time in order to arrive here are manifold. Many many manifold. And this is not just true for me, it is also true of everyone else in this great overlapping ripple that at its best creates a wave. Perhaps even a rogue wave.

On a skinny puppy song I used to enjoy… there was a sample at the beginning, “is it me and my head or me and my body?” Now I think of this as “Is it me and my network or me and my environment.” Am I even a distinct thing beyond my network? Or distinct from my environment? I am so deeply comprised of the people who have touched my life. Their influence on me forms this palimpsest that makes up my being. In this layered collage, there are colors and sections that seem more vibrant than others, more noticeable. But the whole of the composition is from the whole of the experience. And so too with the landscapes I have been in. I am both the product and the agent of the environments I inhabit.

If it were not for you, I would not be me. Ripple ripple, overlap, and gap.

Magical Listening

Yes, social media is all about listening, you hear it all the time. I want to distinguish here between listening – as in I heard what you said and listening – as in I really took in what you said, chewed on it, and if it didn’t connect fully to me, I responded with questions. That seems like a weak distinction, let’s explore more. I think doing so is very worthwhile, for magical listening produces magical results.

I learned to listen when I was in coach training. Nothing very complicated… a very simple exercise that you can test yourself. First, we had an opportunity to give advice to our partners after hearing an issue they were exploring. Hmm, okay. Then we listened to them on another issue, taking in what they said and asking them for more. We asked them to explain their thoughts without imposing our own solutions. The difference in the results were so astounding! I still catch myself, at times, giving advice, I admit. However, at my best, the value I add to conversation is not my knowledge, but the space I create for the speaker to fully explore their own thinking.

coffee talk
Creative Commons License photo credit: AnyaLogic

In many cases, this makes sense. It is likely that the speaker knows more information about the situation. They have personal experience with it and the people involved. If I am really hearing them, I feel as if I am in their mind with them – moving from option to option, by their side. In some cases I may point back to something they have said and put it next to what they are saying now for comparison and alignment. This sounds pretty abstract, let me explain in another way.

Magical listening can be identified in person by the presence of some of the following characteristics:

  • Full eye engagement – either at the speaker or at what the speaker is looking at
  • Lack of interruptions – a magical listener doesn’t interrupt even when excited (I often fail at this one!)
  • Pauses – a magical listener lets a pause hang, giving time for reflection and encouragement to the speaker to continue exploring
  • Reflection – returning to the speaker what they have said, as in, “I think I understood you to be saying….”
  • Questions such as: tell me more about that, can you explain more about how those connect, what will that get for you, and is that a story you have about that?

Would you rather: have someone follow your words – hearing each fully? Let you lead and make space to explore? Or would you rather someone suggest options they think are best? (It might depend on the situation, as I can picture situations where each are appropriate. However, in my experience the latter is the default of most people.)

We long to be heard. We long for someone else to value us enough to hang on our words. We yearn for a sense of connection to someone outside of our own mind that values us enough to feel with us. Someone willing to step out of their ego-centric view of the world and walk with us in ours. When we are given that space, we can be our most creative, resourceful, and bold selves.

How can you be a more magical listener? The following is a list of things I notice myself doing, and I hope you will help add to this list.

  • Turn off your mental chatter and give all of your attention to what is being said to you as it is being said. Use any mental energy you have to notice what words are used, with what tone of voice and what body language.
  • Wait to think of what you want to say until after the other person finishes speaking, and then decide before speaking whether what you have to say is useful to you or to them? Is it a question or a statement? Is it a question you want the answer to or a question that will help them explore or gain clarity?
  • Notice emotional highs and lows and inquire into them. If someone can’t hold a gaze while saying something, ask about that. If someone’s face gets bright with joy, ask about that. Watch for the language of the body – does it resonate with what is being said? If not, ask about that.
  • Aim for your verbal contribution to be less than 10% of the conversation.
  • Use your body to indicate intense listening – eyes are either focused on the person you are speaking with or following their gaze, shoulders are squarely facing the speaker, arms are held open and show ease and patience (relaxed positions). If you must fidget, use it to take notes or draw in response to what you are hearing – make a mind map of the conversation.

How do you do magical listening? Please share in the comments! I want to learn to be a better listener too.

Value of Validation

Immeasurable but still acknowledge-able. Not the difference, because that relates to our currency conversations.

This video makes me laugh and cry. I think back on it fondly and look for it regularly, so I thought I would hold it here – for you and for me.

And hey, you are awesome. Did anyone ever tell you….

Positive Deviants

I really love this term. It seems to hold contradiction in itself, as our (at least my own) conception of deviants is usually a negative one! To deviate, however, simply means to do differently. So ask the question – where is someone doing something different that has a positive impact? Here is a lovely article on the power of positive deviants.

you are awesome
Creative Commons License photo credit: Torley

What I love about this story is how it highlights letting change come from within a community. We may know from the outside of a community that behaviors x, y, and z would help them. However, trying to impose those activities tends to fail. When we find those that are within the community that are doing things differently than the others that align with the behavior shifts that would lead to longer life or greater health and opportunity, we can point to those and allow peer influence (remember your Cialdini) to work its magic.

Where is positive deviance in your own life? Where do you do something right/well that you want to do in other areas of your life? Where do you see positive deviance around you? How can you encourage more of what works?

I first heard about this term about 5 years ago – from two mavens: Drake Zimmerman and Tom Munnecke. Nods to them both.

SIDENOTE: My concern here – the caveat, is using this sort of methodology to export culture. Helping people learn how to make money and thus join OUR system may not be what is most useful to us or to them. This is a case in which we might look inside our own culture and find positive deviants. Who is able to live best while relying on financial capital the least? How do they do that? Rather than – if everyone in the world has more money, we will all be better off. The whole poverty alleviation project is a misguided ego-centric approach to better world building. Make people better off – regardless of whether that involves money or not. And do not measure “well-off” by monetary standards. Some of the poorest people I have seen own the biggest houses, fastest cars, and handle the most money.

Solution-Focus

How much time do you spend in each of the following states?

  • Oh, look, that isn’t working! See how it isn’t working? Did you notice this part over here doesn’t work either?
  • Hey, I am trying to fix this, can you hand me a lever?

Many of us get fascinated by the first state. Point to all the facets of what is not working. And there is a way that is valuable, as we design new ways of working that address and transform those issues. We need to know what we are looking at.

And, we can get lost in seeing challenges. Stuck in a state of awe and overwhelm. When do you pick up a lever and start creating something in response to the challenges you perceive? What stops you from doing more of that? Who can you ask to help you get started?

I admire those go-getters that not only fix or improve something but also totally trick it out. My mom didn’t just make me a prom dress, she used the scraps to make a cape, a purse, and a garter (all while I was doing my hair). No, I am not posting pictures. 😛

Avoid the overwhelm of what isn’t working. Focus on a solution you can dig into. And see what you can do to trick it out and make use of what you have.

I would love to hear your stories about making more of your resources and the power of solution-focus. Please share with us.

Gratitude and TweetsGiving 09

This post is in several parts. First, I want to talk about the power of gratitude. Second, I want to share some of my gratitude. Finally, I want to share with you an opportunity to share gratitude with me and many others. If you want to jump to the gratitude event of the season, scurry over to Tweetgiving.

Gratitude

I remember being teased lovingly for my gratitude and thanking habits when I was a teen, and I am still at it. Why? Gratitude is such a powerful force in creating happiness and joy – both in the giver and the receiver. This isn’t just my experience. Research has tied gratitude to happiness, combating depression, greater creativity, and greater overall success. Gratitude can show up in many ways: keep gratitude journal, remember to thank others for kindness, acknowledging privilege of place/time/birth, documenting appreciation of others, give back (volunteer) or pay it forward (donate) and many more. I regularly use the #gratitude tag on twitter and post my appreciation of others. Not only is this about being positive, it also creates a feedback loop so those I thank might feel encouraged to do more of what I admire about them. Let me expand on my gratitude in specifics here.

My Gratitude

It is a daunting task to express gratitude here today. I am usually flowing with it, and I wish I had the space here to say everything I am grateful for. Today, wanting to be more comprehensive, I fear I will forget many important people and experiences I am profoundly grateful for. However, to be exhaustive may take the rest of my life. So consider this a small excerpt.

  • For their profound impact on me, their generosity, and weekly sharing, my dearest friends, thank you: Steve Crandall, Valdis Krebs, Todd Hoskins, Jill Palermo, Evonne Heyning, and Tracy Gary.
  • For deep and long term support, listening, challenging, and championing, thank you: Hava Gurevich, Jo Guldi, Monica Zaucha, Lewis Hoffman, Justin Lowell-Bellew, Michael Maranda, and Arthur Brock.
  • For deep spirit conversations and mentorship: Ken Homer, Sheri Herndon, and Chris Byrne.
  • For believing in me and my dream and taking it on as their own, the thrivable champions: Jerry Michalski, Kevin Clark, Kevin Doyle Jones, Leif Utne, Sidney Hargro, Gil Friend, Charles, and several of those already listed. And for investment in thrivable: David Hodgson and Ruth Ann Harnish. For being such an evangelist: Steve Jennings. Also thanks to Loren Cole for powerful conversations, support, and a magnificent picnic.
  • For creating a ring of female energy around me that feeds me and keeps me true: Kaliya Hamlin, Jessica Margolin, Lisa Tracy, Lisa Parker, Christina Jordan, Maryann Fernandez, Karen Payne, Julie Peterson, Judi Clark, Tree Breeson, Kara Carell, Dorothee Royal-Hedinger, Sarah Connor, Michelle Haimoff, Kathrine Mancuso, Diane Mikutis, Susan Gleason, Stacey Monk, Kimberly Olson, my mother and sister, and several of those already listed.
  • For their faith, by which I saw myself anew, may they each know how transformative they are and my undying gratitude, no matter how many years pass: Tom Munnecke, David Isenberg, Dan Rose, Ron Strickland, Rebecca Saunders, Thomas Kriese, Clary Mulvany, Christine Egger, Rory Turner, Susan Megy (and many of those above most notably Hava Gurevich, Steve Crandall, Tracy Gary, Valdis Krebs, and Jerry Mikalski).
  • For laughter and honesty: Ashis Brahma, Jim Fussell, Ethan McCutchen, Jack Ricchuito, Nathan Lenkowski, Peter Kaminski, Pete Forsyth, Tom Portante, Lonny Grafman, Chris Watkins, Gerard Senehi.
  • Most of all, my two amazing children by whose grace I realized why I am alive and what I am here for.
  • I am also grateful, beyond my social life, for growing up in the hilly woods and prairie of a morraine in central Illinois, for playing in dirt and in trees, for many days idly kayaking with loved ones, for the magnificence of my horses (who I miss very much), for the art that adorns my space, and the beauty of the world as a whole.
  • I am grateful for my senses that let me take in such a magnificent world. I am grateful for my travels which have taken me to nearly every state and a few countries beyond the US. I am grateful that I was raised in a multi-cultural university setting and the privilege and perspective that afforded me.
  • I am grateful for the pain in my life – the many surgeries, the broken bones, and the birthing which brought me into my body in generative ways. And the spiritual, intellectual, and emotional pain and suffering which has shaped me and strengthened me magnificently.
  • And I am grateful to myself – my constant companion and mirror friend, whose advice and instincts I trust above all others and who has carried me through thick and thin, found the goodness in all things, done hard work, and taken delight. That might seem a bit vain, but after 37 years on the planet, I trust myself in really inspiring and powerful ways that fuel my courage, commitment, and generosity, and that is a beautiful and precious thing.

To share gratitude this year, I am partnering with several others on TweetsGiving! Come appreciate life with me!

Share your gratitude via Tweetsgiving

TweetsGiving is a global celebration of gratitude benefiting US nonprofit  Epic Change and supporting Shepherds Junior, a primary school in Arusha, Tanzania. TweetsGiving gratitude parties are now scheduled in over 30 cities from Canberra, Australia to Tel Aviv, Israel to New York City.  We hope you’ll join our global gratitude celebration!  Together, our gratitude has the power to change the world.

Go to tweetsgiving.org or join me at http://thrivable.wagn.org/wagn/Tweetsgiving for opportunities to share your gratitude on a google map or on our wagn. Thank you!

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This post was created as part of a global groundswell of gratitude called TweetsGiving. The celebration, created by US nonprofit Epic Change, is an experiment in social innovation that seeks to change the world through the power of gratitude. I hope you’ll visit the TweetsGiving site to learn more, and to bring your grateful heart to the party by sharing your gratitude, and giving in honor of that for which you’re most thankful.