Entering Social Spaces Online

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Seems like each week there are new social media spaces to join and participate in. And lots of people help others learn and adopt online social practices. Each space has its own nuance on social practices. There are general rules of thumb, sure. But each site – even a cluster within a site – is specific in the way it encourages flows of connection and information, and thus which practices are encouraged. So how do you know what to do where?

I see lots of do and don’t lists, and they are great. Very helpful if you want a rulebook to follow. But if you want to learn the skill of adapting as you enter spaces, the work you do needs to go deeper into your practice. What questions should you ask yourself when joining and contributing to online social spaces?

Be strategic. Social media is a huge flow of information and people often very loosely knit together. What do you want to foster? Disregard fads of tools and spaces. What you do with your extremely precious time needs to be purposeful. Do you want: friends, information, a thriving network to use as a resource, marketing your [fill in the blank]? How will you know when you have that? How will you maintain it over time? Social spaces online just like physical social spaces require your attention to stay alive and flourishing.

Listen. Like I shared above, each space has its own social norms. Yes, there are general rules, but if you lurk before blasting posts, you can get a sense of how often to post, ways to appreciate others, ways to find interesting people and ideas, ways to avoid trouble, what puts people off… How do people behave in this space using this tool? What best practices can you collect? Sense into what is working for you in other people’s social practice. What gets you engaged there? How can you offer or connect, mirroring what worked for you?

Applaud. In speech we often give praise or acknowledgment with our faces. We nod or even just keep eye-contact. There are zillions of body clues. And they don’t show online. At all. Not even with emoticons. How can you show you are listening? How can you show that you are giving your attention to someone or something? How can you show you are a contributor? How can you help others shine? Where can you quickly, easily, and usefully connect people, ideas, and resources? If the general principle of social relations is truly get what you give, then what are you giving?

What questions wander through your mind when you are visiting new online social spaces?
What really irritates you as a social practice?
How do you quickly and easily sense a spammer, a connector, a maven, an influencer?

Your answers help you figure how how you want to be online. And they create an opportunity for you to be genuine in your practice.

Here are some resources for you that I saw on twitter today:
Top 10 Reasons Brands should Listen to Social Media
The Creation of Twitter Best Practices: Round 1

Relationship building

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I was writing in response to a question posed by Mark Carter on facebook this morning. He asked what does one do to build relationship after the hello.

And I wrote about authenticity and being as the crucial elements to making relationships. But this line came pouring out, and it didn’t fit the rest of my response. So I will share it with you here. Mentor those who ask questions, and fearlessly ask questions of those you want to learn from.

Questions are the root of conversation. Without them we all too often talk past each other. I was thinking, when I wrote this line about how important it is to build up, down, and across the network.

When someone asks you a question, they give you honor. Accept the question with grace, and, as possible, be helpful. Mentor those that ask questions, for the curious are great explorers. Those you help become your legacy.

Fearlessly ask questions of those you believe you can learn from. Sometimes this is a child, who can say with the greatest simplicity some of the most profound unfettered things. Sometimes this is a person of high rank and station that you have obtained access to. Be fearless in your questions. This may be the one great opportunity you have to find the answer you need right now. You do not serve yourself or the world by being fearful. This, of course, rests on the premise of good faith. Assume the best in others, and they may rise to the challenge. Give others honor by asking of them what you need, especially when it comes to knowledge or connection. Give others a gift–the opportunity to be a contribution, to serve, to be valued.

Ask questions. Offer answers. Rather than speaking into the ever-recorded infinite space of the internet, hoping someone will hear: listen, ask, respond.

Abundant courage

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Some things come to you as soon as you decide you have them already. Courage is one of those things. Love is another. Hope yet another. They actually exist in abundance, and that shows up as soon as you turn to see them.

They arrive often in those moments of despair where resistance to change gets one down…and then one gathers together to accept the change…then courage shows up in full force to assist in the journey.

The older I get, the more I have faith in this process. That courage and love and hope are abundant if and when we embrace them. All it takes is a flip of the mind switch.

Don’t finish that!

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I have the sense that there are lots of people doing really great work…but they want to get it to a finished point before sharing it. Really? Sure about that?

In the age of participatory, nay, collaborative culture, as soon as something is finished it can’t be collaborative. If you want other people pitching in to make an idea work, software better, or actions more impactful…don’t dictate what should happen and push out what has been finished. Open with curiosity. Share vision and motivation…share ideas as rough sketches for group discussion. Collaboration doesn’t work as well if comes off as “I made this, now will you implement it?” *

Collaboration works better as “I had an idea, what would you do…? or would you help me figure out…?” And it can really work well with a bit of acknowledgment like, “You are such a whiz kid at x, and I was working on this idea related to that….could you help me think it through?” or “You are so well connected in z neighborhood/network, I would like to vision there. How do you think that could work?” So I encourage those of us in collaboration to stop finishing things. Let documents come alive–living documents invite collaboration… Let ideas and actions live.

*This worked better in pyramidal structures where authority or perceived authority can push things to happen. In collaborative culture, work is accomplished by attraction–the pull of an idea, person, thing, or vision. And the key to get in the door of collaboration is invitation. Don’t invite people to a party that is finished.

Nurture Tools

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I have been working over at wagn.nurture.biz to add some tools and resources.

Here are articles I have written about coaching and philanthropy. Then, here are some book reviews which are usually one page descriptions and summaries of books like Freakonomics. And some new worksheets for entrepreneurs looking toward venture financing. And a Development Plan Questionnaire for coaching clients.

The Unsaid

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One of my favorite books in college was called the Mystical Languages of Unsaying. But this is not about unsaying. It is about a giant elephant in the room.

Conversation. Conversations can be about growing an idea or growing a connection. They can be about refining and becoming more rigorous. Whatever the subject and aim of the conversation, we focus on what is present there. My words responding to your words, and vice versa.

elephant

Keep in mind, this, yes, and also, what is absent from that. We are often pulling from the realm of what has not yet been said, obviously, as otherwise the conversation would stagnate in the same statements recirculating. No, we pull in from what has yet to be said.

That is not necessarily the elephant in the room though. The elephant in the room is what has not yet been stated AND isn’t being stated for political or emotional reasons. But that very things is what the conversation is navigating around. It is silently acknowledged by not given space to be reviewed or responded to. Bring it to light. Bring the unsaid into the open.

Ask, “What are we not saying here?” which has an infinity of answers in truth. However, what will come up is what is not being said because it is dangerous. Excellent! Be real. Face the danger. Unearth the unsaid.

What will this get for you? The safety of the space often deepens because the work has touched something sacred and dangerous…and it bonds the conversationalists together in the common space of the real (and not just the plastic soft niceties). What else will it get for you? Well, the unsaid is often something that has this taste of the sacred…and we must be able to touch and handle even sacred ideas and make choices about them. It allows you to go deeper into a situation, acknowledge what is really involved, and open more choices about where you want to go next.

So, try it, ask what is not being said.

Curiosity!

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Listening seems really important. But to go beyond that and be actively listening there need to be a spark of curiosity.

To go beyond hearing what someone has to say and be engaged in discovering them and their ideas–that reveals several things about both parties. First, that you really care and honor them as a person, which frees people to share. Second, that you have connection to what they have to say–that you see value in knowing what they are offering. Third, that you see potential of learning from them and opportunity to co-create together. Forth, that you are interested in exploring with them.

Many dialogs really are monologues cross-spoken. If someone holds in their mind what they want to say, what they want to get across, what they want to argue, what they want to push as an agenda…then the conversation isn’t really a conversation. Be co-creative in your conversations and display a good dose of curiosity.

When I went through training as a coach, one of the first exercises we did was to give advice to our partner. The second exercise was to listen. I noticed two very important things. One, that the person I listened to seemed very capable of creating their own solutions. Second, the person I listened to was energized more by being listened to then by the advice. Since then, over and over, I have witnessed the power of being curious and listening actively and deeply as it activates the creative resourcefulness in people. More than that, they seem more likely to follow through on their own ideas and solutions than on any advice I would give.

It does take some stepping back…it requires the listener to give up the idea that they have the right answer. Be curious, the person you are talking to deserves the opportunity to create solutions for themselves. What is that? Listen for it. Be curious. And you might learn something wonderful and unexpected. I have.

But don’t just take my word for it, check out these benefits of active listening from an expert:

    • Sometimes a person just needs to be heard and acknowledged before the person is willing to consider an alternative or soften his /her position.
      It is often easier for a person to listen to and consider the other’s position when that person knows the other is listening and considering his/her position.
      It helps people to spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear it played back without criticism.
      It also helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of disagreement are put in perspective and are diminished rather than magnified.
      Reflecting back what we hear each other say helps give each a chance to become aware of the different levels that are going on below the surface. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.
      If we accurately understand the other person’s view, we can be more effective in helping the person see the flaws in his/her position.
      If we listen so we can accurately understand the other’s view, we can also be more effective in discovering the flaws in our own position.

    • All over the place and focus

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    I suppose to some people my interests appear to be all over the place: philanthropy, currencies, technology, visualization, mapping, marketing, coaching, leadership, process arts, community development, art, creativity, and some other issues too like globalization, the bottom of the pyramid, social entrepreneurship, etc. And most of these areas I have enough understanding to listen and ask good questions…but not enough to debate academically on the finer points or the history. Coaching might be the exception. Maybe. I am not a specialist. And some say it is a world where we ought to be specialized. I don’t know about that. I think it is a world where we ought to connect and have engaging conversations.

    Sometimes, in our lives, we find the varied paths we lead all connecting down the road somewhere. All this leads together…

    How? Field building. I will post soon a longer explanation of field building, along with some tidbits of conversation and great links for those who are interested. For now, let me simply explain that field building is the conscious collective development of a network of purpose (both the nodes and the space between the nodes). And I see this as being critical for our evolution. We need to adapt to survive and for the planet to survive. We need to understand our world in more useful and appropriate ways. And all these interests of mine lead back to the many tools, processes, and systems that play a role in field building. An example–Social Network Analysis is an emerging field…It is defining itself, the practices, examining what distinctions are valuable and which are not. It changes how organizations work, and values human connection. It requires message management for maintaining a cohesive set of meaningful terms. It requires leadership to grow the edges and community to build the depths. It takes funding and marketing to keep thriving. It takes mapping and visualization to track and analyze itself. Other examples are Digital Media and Education, Currencies/Flows, and Thrivability (next evolution of sustainability). Sometimes fields are in transition too, like the work we are doing in Philanthropy to democratize giving, promote giving while living, encourage micro-philanthropy, etc.

    We need to change our world, to understand it in new ways, to work in new ways. I see my work as building fields that help with that process. And why? It comes back to my core purpose–to help people transform their lives and live with passionate purpose.

    Growing Leaders

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    Who is a leader? Who is not a leader? What qualities do nurturing leaders hold?

    Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible — the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family. Virginia Satir

    I don’t think leaders are people who tell other people what to do. I think they are much more nurturing than that. To me, a great leader is someone who maximizes the abilities and actions of those around them. They aren’t focused on problems or on overcoming problems. They focus on bringing out the absolute best in the people around them, so that the whole team can use their talents to achieve something wonderful together.

    Leaders ask: “What is this person’s best qualities, and how can that best serve this effort?”

    Extraordinary leaders ask great questions that assume the competency of their team. They are not fault-finders. Leaders give attention to what works and strive to create more of it. That is not to say that great leaders deny difficulties. It takes a certain degree of accepting what is and flexibility to adapt to the environment.

    Leaders ask: “What is working here, and how can we model that to achieve success in other areas?”

    They seek evidence of progress in small and large ways. While hurdles may arise, a leader offers positive feedback to what is going well. They believe in their team’s ability to be successful to the extent that they assume success is imminent. As if it is already arriving not as possibility but as destiny. For example, they think in the following form: “We are going to put a man on the moon, how are we going to do that?”

    Leaders ask: “If we step into the future and achieved our goals, what did we need to do now for things to turn out successfully?”

    That doesn’t mean denying that there is hard work to do and complexity to relationships. Great leaders create safe spaces for real heartfelt teamwork and personal discussion. They model connected and genuine conversation showing their care and compassion for their teammates.

    Leaders ask: “What can we do here to honor the whole beings with complex lives who are driving this work forward?”

    Real leaders, in my mind, don’t strive to be seen as heroes. They give time and opportunity for feedback. They don’t expect themselves or others to be flawless, and they have real curiosity about where there might be room for improvement.

    Leaders ask: “What could I be doing better to serve and nurture my team?”

    Leaders show they feel accountable to their team and their goals. And when successes, large and small, are achieved, extraordinary leaders share the glory.

    Leaders ask: “How can I celebrate the contributions of the team members?”

    A debt of gratitude for training received and research done by Tim Hallbom in noticing and developing these key attributes in leaders.

    Women and Power

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    The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it. ~Roseanne Barr

    Absolutely Roseanne! Power is not a gift, an object to give from one person to another, power is only visible when being used. Much like an electron, we only see it when we test it. I have long thought that the reason some men have tried to oppress and contain women is because of the power women have. When a woman gives birth to a child, a man gets to be witness to the power and strength that a woman has. In this, he is fearful–fearful that this woman, experiencing such a transformation in her body, proves that she is stronger, more flexible, more persistent, and more resilient than he is. To be a woman is to embody the process of becoming, regardless of whether one begets children or not.

    So professionally, she who brings forth the world, she who can bring children into being, should not play coy or suppress her power in some odd attempt to make man feel secure. No, indeed, she should show that in more areas of her life she has the power to bring forth. To bring forth ideas, to bring forth action, to bring forth results with strength, flexibility, resilience, and perseverance. Woman does not need to wait for man to acknowledge her capacity nor her power. Woman proves her power through her action. And she does a disservice to herself if she attempts to do it in the way a man needs to do it. Let the hunter be a hunter. And let the one who brings forth do her best to bring forth.

    Here are some of my etiquette tips for women (and all people for that matter) in the post-pomo era:

    • Whoever reaches the door first holds it for the next person (or people) regardless of anyone’s sex or status.
    • When speaking with others, don’t look down. In animal speak this is an act of empowering the more dominant animal. And men come from hunters, they use this amongst themselves. Let them see into your eyes, and they will know the depth and strength of your heart. Chin up! Eyes up! Nose down.
    • Whoever reaches for their money first gets the honor of paying the bill when among equals. When among seniors, let the senior most person decide who pays the bill. When with clients, let the buyer buy the meal (they will pay for it indirectly or directly, why not give them the chance to be gracious and feel generous).
    • Neither hide your body and your beauty nor flaunt it as a manipulation of the hungry hunter. You are yourself and should be proud to be it without needing to demonstrate the power your body holds. They sense it already. Be beautiful for yourself.
    • Smile. It disarms most who would try to hold you back and encourages those around you to be happy.
    • It doesn’t do anyone any good if you are so humble about your power and your talent that you don’t acknowledge it. Temper arrogance with curiousity rather than with self-doubt.
    • Women, generally speaking, intuitively understand the power of community and collaboration. Use it.

    Here are some of the qualities that this Caliper study on Women Leaders showed as strengths great female leaders possess:

    • Persuasive
    • Empathetic
    • Flexible
    • Assertive
    • Willing to take risks (and ignore rules)
    • Sociable
    • Learn from adversity
    • Inclusive and team building

    Check out the article itself for a more thorough explanation. Thanks to my incredible cousin Kim Olson for the link.