Body Image

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I was conversing with a good friend last night, and the subject turned to looks. I said something then that I want to share with you now.

People in general are so self-conscious about their appearance. There are millions, if not billions, of dollars spent on appearance. And yet, over and over people get together and fall in love. Not because people are perfect. But because when one person loves another, they admire that person for who they are (we hope). The lover embraces the other. Finds beauty in the shape of a belly button, the curve of a collar bone, the bend of a knee, a dimple in a cheek. The lover, admiring the partner, gets this sort of feedback in way too many cases, “but my x is y.” My thighs are too fat, my nose too long, my eyes too small, my arms too thick or too thin, and on and on. This is most often the case with women, but men do it too.

What in the world is going on? The lover admires, and in response the beloved says, “don’t admire me, I am not what I wish I was.” Rather than letting the lover admire, we put on costumes that conceal. As women, we put on makeup to conceal, to make theater of our appearance. Costumes are great. We need them. They indicate expectations we can have about behavior Costumes are fun to play with. (Wear the wrong costume, and enjoy the way others are disturbed in their expectations.)

The woman says, “I don’t want you to see me without my makeup on.” Oh really? The lover can’t peak behind the curtain and get a backstage view of the star?

When we complain about our looks, what we are really saying is, “the lover should not love me as I am.” or “I don’t love myself as I am.”

I really love burlesque. There is something so exquisite about a person, of whatever shape and size, totally flaunting their sexuality as it is, with no excuses. I want that for you. Maybe not the public spectacle part, but the flaunting what you got for your beloved. Focus on your assets and play to them.

Ask yourself:

  • for whom do I want to be different than I am?
  • Why?
  • What does that get for me?
  • What does that get for them?
  • What need does that meet in me?

Note: Who am I to give you this? Let me reveal a bit about me. Very few people notice this about me, but I have a congenital bone deformity. That means, from the time I was born, the bones in my arm have been crooked. I have scars showing the work done to improve it but not fully “correct” it. I would never say, “my arms are too flabby” when there is something much more noticeable –  that I can’t do anything about – which makes me “flawed” in the model perfect sense. And then let me tell you this even more revealing bit of information. Never once. Not ever. Not even in the slightest. Over the last 25 years of relationships has anyone ever even hinted that they like all of me, except that. I have had guys want to adjust my bike handles for me, so they work better. I have had guys ask what surgery would make it more functional. But never once did anyone ever say, in any permutation of it, “this is so unattractive” or “I don’t love that part of you.” And if that is something a lover accepts – the right ones – the ones that love me….the ones that love you as you are… then I think they will also accept your thighs, your nose, your eyes, and all the rest of you too. Don’t insult their love and ardor by demeaning the glorious object of their desire. Love your body, as it is, as the lover beholds it, with eyes filled with admiration.

It is one wild and precious life you have, and this is the body you have for it. It is a miracle. Millions of years of life begetting life led to you and your body. What a marvel! As it is.

Closing Triangles

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I think of myself as nurturing networks and communities as well as individuals and organizations. And one strategy I use is network weaving. Network Weaving describes the connection made between two people I know who don’t yet know each other as closing a triangle, because in a network map, this is exactly what it looks like!

credit: NetworkWeaving

credit: NetworkWeaving

Here, in this post, I want to talk specifically about my practice of making introductions. I had been connecting people for a long time before I met Ken Homer, but his introduction format really set the bar for me. When he introduced me to another one of his connections, I felt like I was glowing! Wow, that is how I want people to feel when I connect them.

Sure, I want them to feel good and associate that with me. Less egotistically, I want the time I take to make an introduction to be time well spent for all of us. I want them to feel great about connecting to the person I introduce them too. I want it to be useful all around. This is not about quantity for me, it is about quality. So, here is the pattern I use, developed in part through what Ken demonstrated.

I described it on twitter today.
Picture 3

  1. describing strengths of each
    After stating the purpose of the email (useful for any and all starts to email conversation), describe relevant and positive strengths of each person to each other.
    My wording for this is usually, “Person A, please allow me to introduce you to Person B. Person B is passionate about x, has terrific skills in y, and wants to explore z. ” Followed by the inverse, “Person B, please allow me to introduce you to Person A. Person A is passionate about m, has terrific skills in n, and wants to explore o.” This is a rough format, each one is different, but they all fit within that general pattern. Also, the adjectives are always chosen to fit the people I am describing. Use your own.
  2. point to alignment & mutual benefit
    I like to point to something that makes the people I am connecting clear about what they have in common. I don’t mean that they both read books. I mean that they are both within a particular field or sub-domain, know people in common, or have a similar passion about making the world a better place (and do so coming from a similar mindset).
    I also like to point out what I imagine might be the mutually beneficial initial outcome from each party taking the time to make the connection. It might not be what actually happens, but it gives them some sense of why I am making the connection and what each might gain from it.
  3. name small first step
    Sometimes I forget to leave this in. However, after receiving several wonderful network weaving emails from others, I realized how vital this is. I received some letters, saw the alignment, and yet I might not know what to do about it. So in my introduction, I have been adding some suggestion for a first step – “In a 15 minute phone call, I think you could discuss your shared interest in x.”
    That examples covers part of #2 and also #3. It doesn’t have to be long. Often I might have had an extended discussion with one of the parties, so I can point to what I have refined as a conversation starter for them.

I find that this often makes clear too what role I want one to play to the other. Maybe I am asking Person A to mentor Person B on a subject area. Or maybe I want Person B to introduce Person A to someone within their network who can help in a more targeted fashion. Being clear on roles can help people feel the respect I am offering them as well as make choices about what they want to be.

I hope these patterns help you make connections between two people.