Relationship building

I was writing in response to a question posed by Mark Carter on facebook this morning. He asked what does one do to build relationship after the hello.

And I wrote about authenticity and being as the crucial elements to making relationships. But this line came pouring out, and it didn’t fit the rest of my response. So I will share it with you here. Mentor those who ask questions, and fearlessly ask questions of those you want to learn from.

Questions are the root of conversation. Without them we all too often talk past each other. I was thinking, when I wrote this line about how important it is to build up, down, and across the network.

When someone asks you a question, they give you honor. Accept the question with grace, and, as possible, be helpful. Mentor those that ask questions, for the curious are great explorers. Those you help become your legacy.

Fearlessly ask questions of those you believe you can learn from. Sometimes this is a child, who can say with the greatest simplicity some of the most profound unfettered things. Sometimes this is a person of high rank and station that you have obtained access to. Be fearless in your questions. This may be the one great opportunity you have to find the answer you need right now. You do not serve yourself or the world by being fearful. This, of course, rests on the premise of good faith. Assume the best in others, and they may rise to the challenge. Give others honor by asking of them what you need, especially when it comes to knowledge or connection. Give others a gift–the opportunity to be a contribution, to serve, to be valued.

Ask questions. Offer answers. Rather than speaking into the ever-recorded infinite space of the internet, hoping someone will hear: listen, ask, respond.

14 – 7 – 5 Adventure Part 1

I set out with the intention of seeing 14 people in 7 days and 5 cities. Unfortunately, I drove.

The adventure began when the service engine light came on just as I was heading out of Chicago. A quick look at the owner’s manual reassured me that it might not be a critical failure, so I drove on. Wanting all the good luck the universe might offer, I paid for the family behind me at the first toll booth I came to. Minutes later, an old client called to ask me to do some work. That was great to hear, but I worried my good karma wasn’t going to help the car now. Silly me for not being specific about my needs.

The drive to DC is not short. A good 11 hours spent talking on the phone, singing along to my favorite female divas, and trying to keep up with the usual internet flow. The route is nearly all toll roads. Incredibly expensive. But maybe it should be for all the carbon emissions. When I discovered that my fuel cap was not on appropriately, I assumed that was the reason for the light going off (according to the manual, that was a reasonable cause). Toll roads are not very pleasant ways of seeing the country. You can’t get off the road for fun distractions.

I am a lifelong cross-country driver (please forgive the carbon emissions). I used to stop only when the car needed refueling. Bathroom break, refuel me, and jump back in for the next stretch (which could be 6 hours). This trip I tried to stop every half tank. I have played math games about traveling ever since I was a kid. So I burn up mental energy calculating time and distance to major cities and final destinations–and breaks. Though this exercise, I have figured out lots of things about reading interstates.

For example: How do they number exits? By mile markers. Exit # – current mile marker = distance to go.
A few states do not do this–and on some roads on the east coast, they will indicate the old number. One system –I think it was the New Jersey Turnpike, numbers theirs consecutively. It can be rather frustrating to find out that exit 10 is NOT 10 miles up the road nor at mile 10, but instead is 10 toll road exits further. Vastly different when calculating distance and time!

I am a terribly impatient person. Horribly. And my mother seems to have broken me of most external indications of this. I have to keep my brain busy. So calculations amuse me. Soaking in what nature I can get across vistas of concrete also keeps me at peace. The light penetrating the forest and reflecting in dancing waves off the outermost leaves. Hawks circling. The vast range of domiciles one can view from concrete interstates. The rains which come slower of faster when in a car depending on which direction you are going in a storm. So much external information to soak up while moving.

I am a compulsive reader. In the shower, I read the shampoo bottle. At breakfast, I read the cereal box. I am not sure any of this registers in my head consciously. Surely little of it sticks. But in my usual compulsive reading way, I felt compelled to read a sign at a rest stop in Pennsylvania explaining wind power and the wind farms in view from that location. MMmm, good, very good. I thought to take a picture. But like photographing redwoods, windmills just don’t really show scale in a landscape very well. You have to stand next to one. Wind-farms are like giant flower gardens.

Hours later, stomach grumbling, I got lost 3 times on my way into Washington DC. Thankfully my patient host guided me in. The final minutes were marked by my name being called as I approached an intersection. Really?

PART 2, where I actually get to PEOPLE I saw, coming soon….

Rebuild

Absolutely brilliant article by my new Chicago pal, Jo. Not only does she write in a way that explains why things are the way they are, but she does it in an elegant and engaging fashion.

“The nation’s skeleton is as fragile as the candy-cane bones sucked down to threads on Cinco de Mayo.”

Gorgeous! Scary. Informative.

Tranform or be complicit

I deeply believe in the work of the nonprofit/social benefit sector. And there are urgent issues of the day that need charity to address them, as change takes time. The idea of change-not-charity really appealed to me many years ago when I heard the phrase. YES, change the way things are so that we have different outcomes.

I was reading a site on philanthropy the other day, and they told a story of people saving babies floating down a river…that is charity. And then someone starts to run up the river–and the helpers beg them to come back to help save babies. But they shout back–I am going up river to see what to do about the babies going into the river to begin with. …that is about making change. Yes well…the river is there…and the babies are getting placed in it. Some are not helpless babies, but children and adults caught in the current. And going upriver to address the issues of how they are getting in the river is a huge improvement with leveraged impact over the band-aid result achieved by pulling people out of the river…but it still accepts–takes for granted–that there is a river.

Huh? Who made up this crazy metaphor?

My point here is that as long as we collectively empower the systems and structures; we aren’t really ending the problem. Micro-finance is not really going to end poverty. Different people might be poor, but it doesn’t end poverty. It might even change the dial on what is poverty…the new poor will live on $5 where last year they lived on $1, but their expenses will be higher, so it will go just as far. [Note: when I started writing about these issues 5 years ago, the stat was a $1 a day…now I see $2 a day…for example]

Farmers trying to deal with erosion could try to reclaim top soil (charity)…or they could try different farming practices that decrease erosion to begin with (change). But I would advocate that they look into the system that makes them farm in ways that are imbalanced with nature. Why do they grow so much corn and soybeans? [Read Biomimicry] What is the market driving the behavior that leads to erosion? [What are the policies governing international exchange and rewarding overabundance of some and wasting the production of others.]

Are you following me yet? The very rules of the game need to shift.

Fiat-currency –which we use pretty much universally, although it goes by different currency names, depends on someone being poor. Someone has to lose. Someone gets to win. The winners get to feel good about taking care of the unfortunate. This is the work of traditional philanthropy. I dream instead of transformative philanthropy where everyone involved leverages their wealth (social connections, knowledge, community strength and resilience etc) to shift systems. In this dream, there are no givers and receivers–only collaborators sharing the responsibility and benefits of improved communities.

What would workable ecosystems that enabled people to flourish be like? If we don’t ban fiat-currency–but instead see it as a stepping stone to our evolution, what is the next step that both includes and transcends this force in our world? Working toward that is transformative. Anything else results in being complicit in the very system that creates and maintains poverty.

New Activists, Cheating, and Millenials

Several links out folks.

1. New Activists article in ODE is fabulous.

2.Cheat Neutral is brilliant with video.

3. Blogging conversation between thrivability (my other blog) and gifthub about making change and millenials.

Abundant courage

Some things come to you as soon as you decide you have them already. Courage is one of those things. Love is another. Hope yet another. They actually exist in abundance, and that shows up as soon as you turn to see them.

They arrive often in those moments of despair where resistance to change gets one down…and then one gathers together to accept the change…then courage shows up in full force to assist in the journey.

The older I get, the more I have faith in this process. That courage and love and hope are abundant if and when we embrace them. All it takes is a flip of the mind switch.

creating conversations: receiving with grace

Conversations….mmmm, I love having them. But the art of conversation is not celebrated enough in our culture. And it is becoming ever more critical online as we struggle with tools that don’t communicate facial expressions or even intonation. So what can we do to bring forth conversation and nurture it?

Of course there are some simple obvious answers: ask questions and express gratitude. Come from a state of curiosity.

But how about receiving with grace? We have valued being independent or autonomous so highly that many of us have lost touch with the ability to receive with grace. Allow other people to feel good about their contribution. Don’t quickly close the social reciprocity contract–you know that sense that you have to return the favor? Don’t take it to be a sign that you are a slacker or a mooch! What a negative framing that is…although it does point to people who are not being gracious about receiving (or our jealousy of those that do receive with ease).

Keep in mind that people don’t see the world for what it is, they see it for what they are. Most people think about themselves, especially in our competitive culture. If you allow people to see themselves positively, they will see you positively.

I had a lovely friend who spoke about those in his social network in the most flattering terms. He said how brilliant and creative they were. And it made me feel like I must be pretty brilliant or creative to be included in his world, since that was clearly what he filtered for. And I had the sense that when he talked about me to others, he was saying amazing things about me (ones I might not even be able to believe about myself). Oh, was he ever attractive to spend time with!

What can you celebrate in others? Especially when they have given you something. Instead of returning the favor, do them a different sort of favor by saying very specifically what you see them having done for you (or for others), how that works for your needs and values, and how thankful you are for it. This is NOT a display of your weakness, in fact it shows your confidence and strength.

Allow it to create a flow in conversation toward common connection–shared celebration of shared values, other instances of gratitude or other things to be grateful for. Be patient in listening and clearly ask for more. I mean clearly as in “can you tell me more about that?” Or “What I hear you saying is ‘insert summary or key points‘ and I would love to know more about how you came to that/where you want to do with that.”

Receive with grace and enjoy your conversations flourishing–online and off.

We add up…

We sure do…we add up all our buying and tossing (storyofstuff.com) and then our electricity consumption and our cars…and it all adds up to a world beyond sustainability. On the other extreme of thriving.


But we can add up in other ways too.
We can add up in our effort to make change. This Earth Day consider being counted…literally. Weaddup.com sells shirts and you can get your number. Make adding up something worth doing.

weaddupshirt

[of course this is a shameless plug…of a really cool friend’s biz…but it is really inspired!]

Shine Unconference

Calling all social entrepreneurs in England or willing to travel there.

Have the discussions you want with your peers! Meet and learn about what interests you.

Unconference.

http://www.shineunconference.com/

Green Girl at 6footSix

Through my dear friend Steve Crandall, I became aware of this amazing woman, Colleen, who is 6 foot 7 and plays beach volleyball professionally. What we all share, besides being tall, is a passion about climate change.

Colleen and Steve have been brainstorming different ways for her to create sponsorships so she can continue to play. They have also been brainstorming on ways to make an impact around climate change. The two come together at http://www.6footsix.com/.

Do you have any creative ideas about how Colleen can use her billboard-like eye-grabbing body to both make people aware of climate change issues and get sponsorships?

Currently she wears temporary tattoos at 1 meter–showing how high on her body the water will rise in the next 20 years (according to some). I think she has a good story to tell around this mark and solid information to provide to people who ask her about it. What I think she could add is a place for people to go to take action. Greenhome, Osoeco, Eden, GreenLeaf, ClimateCounts, SustainLane, Bioneers, etc would be the kinds of organization I picture benefiting from her magnificent height and bikini sized advertising space. Then people would associate her climate conversation with the brand she was wearing.

Do you have any ideas for Colleen? Contact her at 6footsix using that lovely google service, gmail.