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Motherhood

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Happy Mother’s Day!

Friday I attended a little performance my daughter and her class did for the mothers. It was, of course, truly heartwarming to see my daughter perform. She loves to sing, and she emanates pride in herself. However, these songs and poems often felt odd to me. One piece talked about Mom being someone who makes cookies. Huh, when was the last time we made cookies together. Sure, we do it sometimes, but this is not what I think motherhood is about. To me motherhood is about deeply loving someone no matter what for who they are at every level in every nook of their being. My children fascinate me. I try to let go of my ideas of who they might become and allow them to be just who they are.

That is not to say that I do not try to shape and guide them. My service to them is to equip them in ways that will serve them and our society (since these things are intricately linked) over the long haul. I try to hold this as a conversation between their being or nature and the way the world appears to work to me. This has nothing to do with the sugar in cookies, right?

My job as their mother is to give them love and support as they navigate the world. As their mother, I strive to empower them with the knowledge, savvy, and joy to move with grace through a complex world.

And you may wonder why this is my approach to mothering… well, because in so many ways, this is what my mother did for me. She had a light hand in my daily activity, offered adoring love and yet held high standards, modeled grace, and she trusted me to navigate my world. Sure, at times she would intervene explaining what she could intuit from a situation. However, most of the time, she let me explore on my own: explore nature, people, myself, our library, my spirituality, and my life path. She and I see two different worlds when we look out from our hazel eyes, and I am sure my children will perceive a world I can’t know from their hazel eyes. She let me inhabit my world, and in turn I try to let my children inhabit their world and their lives fully. And may we each and all serve and co-create a world the future generations can explore too.

To my mother on this mother’s day, for her amazing elegance and grace in navigating her world and preparing me to navigate mine. She already has an abundance of flowers. This gift of care for Mama Lucy and the children she cares for feels like something that my mother will really appreciate with her huge heart. If you would like to create a heart space for an amazing and inspiring mother in your life, please visit http://www.tomamawithlove.org.

Body Image

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I was conversing with a good friend last night, and the subject turned to looks. I said something then that I want to share with you now.

People in general are so self-conscious about their appearance. There are millions, if not billions, of dollars spent on appearance. And yet, over and over people get together and fall in love. Not because people are perfect. But because when one person loves another, they admire that person for who they are (we hope). The lover embraces the other. Finds beauty in the shape of a belly button, the curve of a collar bone, the bend of a knee, a dimple in a cheek. The lover, admiring the partner, gets this sort of feedback in way too many cases, “but my x is y.” My thighs are too fat, my nose too long, my eyes too small, my arms too thick or too thin, and on and on. This is most often the case with women, but men do it too.

What in the world is going on? The lover admires, and in response the beloved says, “don’t admire me, I am not what I wish I was.” Rather than letting the lover admire, we put on costumes that conceal. As women, we put on makeup to conceal, to make theater of our appearance. Costumes are great. We need them. They indicate expectations we can have about behavior Costumes are fun to play with. (Wear the wrong costume, and enjoy the way others are disturbed in their expectations.)

The woman says, “I don’t want you to see me without my makeup on.” Oh really? The lover can’t peak behind the curtain and get a backstage view of the star?

When we complain about our looks, what we are really saying is, “the lover should not love me as I am.” or “I don’t love myself as I am.”

I really love burlesque. There is something so exquisite about a person, of whatever shape and size, totally flaunting their sexuality as it is, with no excuses. I want that for you. Maybe not the public spectacle part, but the flaunting what you got for your beloved. Focus on your assets and play to them.

Ask yourself:

  • for whom do I want to be different than I am?
  • Why?
  • What does that get for me?
  • What does that get for them?
  • What need does that meet in me?

Note: Who am I to give you this? Let me reveal a bit about me. Very few people notice this about me, but I have a congenital bone deformity. That means, from the time I was born, the bones in my arm have been crooked. I have scars showing the work done to improve it but not fully “correct” it. I would never say, “my arms are too flabby” when there is something much more noticeable –  that I can’t do anything about – which makes me “flawed” in the model perfect sense. And then let me tell you this even more revealing bit of information. Never once. Not ever. Not even in the slightest. Over the last 25 years of relationships has anyone ever even hinted that they like all of me, except that. I have had guys want to adjust my bike handles for me, so they work better. I have had guys ask what surgery would make it more functional. But never once did anyone ever say, in any permutation of it, “this is so unattractive” or “I don’t love that part of you.” And if that is something a lover accepts – the right ones – the ones that love me….the ones that love you as you are… then I think they will also accept your thighs, your nose, your eyes, and all the rest of you too. Don’t insult their love and ardor by demeaning the glorious object of their desire. Love your body, as it is, as the lover beholds it, with eyes filled with admiration.

It is one wild and precious life you have, and this is the body you have for it. It is a miracle. Millions of years of life begetting life led to you and your body. What a marvel! As it is.