Positive Deviants

I really love this term. It seems to hold contradiction in itself, as our (at least my own) conception of deviants is usually a negative one! To deviate, however, simply means to do differently. So ask the question – where is someone doing something different that has a positive impact? Here is a lovely article on the power of positive deviants.

you are awesome
Creative Commons License photo credit: Torley

What I love about this story is how it highlights letting change come from within a community. We may know from the outside of a community that behaviors x, y, and z would help them. However, trying to impose those activities tends to fail. When we find those that are within the community that are doing things differently than the others that align with the behavior shifts that would lead to longer life or greater health and opportunity, we can point to those and allow peer influence (remember your Cialdini) to work its magic.

Where is positive deviance in your own life? Where do you do something right/well that you want to do in other areas of your life? Where do you see positive deviance around you? How can you encourage more of what works?

I first heard about this term about 5 years ago – from two mavens: Drake Zimmerman and Tom Munnecke. Nods to them both.

SIDENOTE: My concern here – the caveat, is using this sort of methodology to export culture. Helping people learn how to make money and thus join OUR system may not be what is most useful to us or to them. This is a case in which we might look inside our own culture and find positive deviants. Who is able to live best while relying on financial capital the least? How do they do that? Rather than – if everyone in the world has more money, we will all be better off. The whole poverty alleviation project is a misguided ego-centric approach to better world building. Make people better off – regardless of whether that involves money or not. And do not measure “well-off” by monetary standards. Some of the poorest people I have seen own the biggest houses, fastest cars, and handle the most money.

Solution-Focus

How much time do you spend in each of the following states?

  • Oh, look, that isn’t working! See how it isn’t working? Did you notice this part over here doesn’t work either?
  • Hey, I am trying to fix this, can you hand me a lever?

Many of us get fascinated by the first state. Point to all the facets of what is not working. And there is a way that is valuable, as we design new ways of working that address and transform those issues. We need to know what we are looking at.

And, we can get lost in seeing challenges. Stuck in a state of awe and overwhelm. When do you pick up a lever and start creating something in response to the challenges you perceive? What stops you from doing more of that? Who can you ask to help you get started?

I admire those go-getters that not only fix or improve something but also totally trick it out. My mom didn’t just make me a prom dress, she used the scraps to make a cape, a purse, and a garter (all while I was doing my hair). No, I am not posting pictures. 😛

Avoid the overwhelm of what isn’t working. Focus on a solution you can dig into. And see what you can do to trick it out and make use of what you have.

I would love to hear your stories about making more of your resources and the power of solution-focus. Please share with us.

Gratitude and TweetsGiving 09

This post is in several parts. First, I want to talk about the power of gratitude. Second, I want to share some of my gratitude. Finally, I want to share with you an opportunity to share gratitude with me and many others. If you want to jump to the gratitude event of the season, scurry over to Tweetgiving.

Gratitude

I remember being teased lovingly for my gratitude and thanking habits when I was a teen, and I am still at it. Why? Gratitude is such a powerful force in creating happiness and joy – both in the giver and the receiver. This isn’t just my experience. Research has tied gratitude to happiness, combating depression, greater creativity, and greater overall success. Gratitude can show up in many ways: keep gratitude journal, remember to thank others for kindness, acknowledging privilege of place/time/birth, documenting appreciation of others, give back (volunteer) or pay it forward (donate) and many more. I regularly use the #gratitude tag on twitter and post my appreciation of others. Not only is this about being positive, it also creates a feedback loop so those I thank might feel encouraged to do more of what I admire about them. Let me expand on my gratitude in specifics here.

My Gratitude

It is a daunting task to express gratitude here today. I am usually flowing with it, and I wish I had the space here to say everything I am grateful for. Today, wanting to be more comprehensive, I fear I will forget many important people and experiences I am profoundly grateful for. However, to be exhaustive may take the rest of my life. So consider this a small excerpt.

  • For their profound impact on me, their generosity, and weekly sharing, my dearest friends, thank you: Steve Crandall, Valdis Krebs, Todd Hoskins, Jill Palermo, Evonne Heyning, and Tracy Gary.
  • For deep and long term support, listening, challenging, and championing, thank you: Hava Gurevich, Jo Guldi, Monica Zaucha, Lewis Hoffman, Justin Lowell-Bellew, Michael Maranda, and Arthur Brock.
  • For deep spirit conversations and mentorship: Ken Homer, Sheri Herndon, and Chris Byrne.
  • For believing in me and my dream and taking it on as their own, the thrivable champions: Jerry Michalski, Kevin Clark, Kevin Doyle Jones, Leif Utne, Sidney Hargro, Gil Friend, Charles, and several of those already listed. And for investment in thrivable: David Hodgson and Ruth Ann Harnish. For being such an evangelist: Steve Jennings. Also thanks to Loren Cole for powerful conversations, support, and a magnificent picnic.
  • For creating a ring of female energy around me that feeds me and keeps me true: Kaliya Hamlin, Jessica Margolin, Lisa Tracy, Lisa Parker, Christina Jordan, Maryann Fernandez, Karen Payne, Julie Peterson, Judi Clark, Tree Breeson, Kara Carell, Dorothee Royal-Hedinger, Sarah Connor, Michelle Haimoff, Kathrine Mancuso, Diane Mikutis, Susan Gleason, Stacey Monk, Kimberly Olson, my mother and sister, and several of those already listed.
  • For their faith, by which I saw myself anew, may they each know how transformative they are and my undying gratitude, no matter how many years pass: Tom Munnecke, David Isenberg, Dan Rose, Ron Strickland, Rebecca Saunders, Thomas Kriese, Clary Mulvany, Christine Egger, Rory Turner, Susan Megy (and many of those above most notably Hava Gurevich, Steve Crandall, Tracy Gary, Valdis Krebs, and Jerry Mikalski).
  • For laughter and honesty: Ashis Brahma, Jim Fussell, Ethan McCutchen, Jack Ricchuito, Nathan Lenkowski, Peter Kaminski, Pete Forsyth, Tom Portante, Lonny Grafman, Chris Watkins, Gerard Senehi.
  • Most of all, my two amazing children by whose grace I realized why I am alive and what I am here for.
  • I am also grateful, beyond my social life, for growing up in the hilly woods and prairie of a morraine in central Illinois, for playing in dirt and in trees, for many days idly kayaking with loved ones, for the magnificence of my horses (who I miss very much), for the art that adorns my space, and the beauty of the world as a whole.
  • I am grateful for my senses that let me take in such a magnificent world. I am grateful for my travels which have taken me to nearly every state and a few countries beyond the US. I am grateful that I was raised in a multi-cultural university setting and the privilege and perspective that afforded me.
  • I am grateful for the pain in my life – the many surgeries, the broken bones, and the birthing which brought me into my body in generative ways. And the spiritual, intellectual, and emotional pain and suffering which has shaped me and strengthened me magnificently.
  • And I am grateful to myself – my constant companion and mirror friend, whose advice and instincts I trust above all others and who has carried me through thick and thin, found the goodness in all things, done hard work, and taken delight. That might seem a bit vain, but after 37 years on the planet, I trust myself in really inspiring and powerful ways that fuel my courage, commitment, and generosity, and that is a beautiful and precious thing.

To share gratitude this year, I am partnering with several others on TweetsGiving! Come appreciate life with me!

Share your gratitude via Tweetsgiving

TweetsGiving is a global celebration of gratitude benefiting US nonprofit  Epic Change and supporting Shepherds Junior, a primary school in Arusha, Tanzania. TweetsGiving gratitude parties are now scheduled in over 30 cities from Canberra, Australia to Tel Aviv, Israel to New York City.  We hope you’ll join our global gratitude celebration!  Together, our gratitude has the power to change the world.

Go to tweetsgiving.org or join me at http://thrivable.wagn.org/wagn/Tweetsgiving for opportunities to share your gratitude on a google map or on our wagn. Thank you!

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This post was created as part of a global groundswell of gratitude called TweetsGiving. The celebration, created by US nonprofit Epic Change, is an experiment in social innovation that seeks to change the world through the power of gratitude. I hope you’ll visit the TweetsGiving site to learn more, and to bring your grateful heart to the party by sharing your gratitude, and giving in honor of that for which you’re most thankful.

Zero-Sum Games

Have you ever heard of zero-sum games? How about non-zero sum games? For those of you who have not heard of zero-sum games, allow me to briefly explain and share some links. It comes from political and economic theory, and it means if wins are plusses and losses are negatives, the equation will end up with zero. Think about money. We start with zero, Alfred borrows 10 so he can buy widgets from Zeno. Alfred gives Zeno the 10. Alfred has -10 and Zeno has +10, and the system has zero sum.

While there are lots of games we play that actually add up numbers, such as football, in the end one team has more points than the other and is therefore the winner. What matters is not how many points but the difference between them and who has more. This zero-sum game mentality shows up in our behaviors toward each other. Do we act as if my having something means you can’t have it? It puts us in a competition mind frame, and we behave like opponents.

What if there are non-zero sum games? Can we, as humans, transcend the competition mindset and behave cooperatively? What if there are games where helping you do well helps me do well? Sure, there are lots of places we interact where this is appropriate! I have always been surprised that business plans have competition analysis and yet don’t adequately describe the cooperation network the organization will be embedded in.

The real question I want to address here, now that we know a bit about zero-sum and non-zero sum games: how do we work in non-zero sum ways when people we need to work with operate from a zero-sum mind frame?

First and foremost, trying to change others through argument or explanation often just makes them defensive and resistant. I suggest a two-prong approach.

  1. Use their zero-sum mentality to your advantage – and the advantage of the group. Ask where the zero-sum games are – because they exist, and point these zero-sum minded folks to those opportunities.
  2. Demonstrate success of non-zero sum approach. Model what you want to see in the world. Be the change you seek. Through demonstration, others can see the success that comes from it. What they are truly after is success.

That sounds all well and good in an abstract theoretical way. But the situation at hand is not an ideal – it is a specific. And likely in that specific, you, my non-zero sum friends, are on a board of an organization having to navigate decisions about the organization with a zero-sum thinking collaborator, for example. What do you do?

30 Love (explored)
Creative Commons License photo credit: Evil Erin

First I want to talk about body work. So much of what we communicate happens in the body rather than through our words. Avoid sitting across from people who want to act oppositionally. Sit beside them. When they talk about a problem, be sure they gesture toward a shared space in front of them rather than at you. Imagine that they are playing dodgeball as if they were one of those tennis ball launching machines – stay away from the physical space they are launching at with their gestures.

Second, I want to talk about a model of understanding interpersonal dynamics. I use this model often when talking about relationships between people.WeDiagram The diagram, at right, shows two people, A and B, as well as a third node – the WE of A and B. Zero-sum thinkers usually think of their connection as the gray line from you to them. Helping them think beyond zero-sum involves helping them understand the WE connection. When we are in the AB relationship, we still use words like: I, me, mine, you, yours. When we are in the WE of AB, we talk about: we, our, ours. These pronouns point to what we have together in the relationship. demonstrate WE language. Start with you and the zero-sum person. As the language becomes reflected in their statements, you can begin to expand the WE to include others. Keep expanding until you reach we as a community (or what level you need to be at for the group objectives).

Next I want to share a bit about facilitation questions. Our zero-sum thinkers say they want to do something. Ask, “what will that get for you/us?” When they give an answer, ask again, “What will that get for you/us?” First, this helps them feel heard. They have the attention. Be sure to ask in a kind and inquisitive way, because they will quickly intuit if you are asking in order to undermine them. Remember, they think in competitive ways. When you get to a gem – something that is common ground for the collective – in the answer you get from the “what will that get for you/us” THEN ask, “how else might we be able to get that?” Bring in others to help answer that.

This is a brief introduction to ways to navigate zero-sum thinking. We can continue to explore, especially with specific stories. If you have specific needs you want to discuss, we can discuss your issues in a private context via my coaching services.

I would love to hear ways you have navigated zero-sum thinkers in the comments or on twitter (@nurturegirl).

Transformation Kit

Recently I got a late evening call from a good friend. A crisis had emerged. In 5 minutes I packed and headed over. Well, I brought beer, because this friend and I often met for beer and conversation. And I also brought chocolate. A girl knows in times of change, a good bar of high quality organic dark chocolate is a necessity – both for the incredible yumminess of it as well as the chemicals they say it triggers in the brain. I brought nuts. Several kinds. I didn’t know how long our conversation would last. Protein is important. I wanted an easy snack that could act as a supplement or get one over a skipped meal. You get the point – it was a 5 minute grab bag of essentials.

Nurturing is most critical and visibly necessary at moments when our lives take a drastic turn quickly. In truth we can use nurturing all the time. Personally, as someone willing to ride the edge, I have fallen off the edge more than once. I have my little patterns now for recovery, as many of us do. Some of the patterns are about giving into the darkness and despair enough to feel it thoroughly. Some of the patterns have emerged from successful tools I have used for recovering. So, I am thinking about developing something of a Transformation Crisis Nurture Girl Kit.

To nourish the body

  • list of items to have on hand and what each is for
  • list of stretches and other body care ideas and how they help

To nourish the heart

  • activities and exercises to tap into love
  • resources on the heart, love, and friendship

To nourish the mind

  • inquiries and challenges for thinking about situations differently
  • quick reference guide to non-violent communication process

To care for the spirit

  • list of inspirational quotes – the wisdom of those who have passed this threshold before
  • ways to clear space for spiritual reflection

Creative Commons License photo credit: S?ndy

Suffering in transition is a sign of our care and attachment. Having tools at hand for mediating our experience and challenging ourselves to grow and evolve can be invaluable.

What would you want to have in your Crisis Kit? And what do you do – and how are you being – when you or a loved one experience radical transitions?